Letting go of labels

Unfaithful, betrayed, DDay, OW, AP... there's a whole set of labels in the jargon of conversations about infidelity. Triggers for emotional flooding are normally linked to some of the above labels. This is quite convenient to convey messages quickly and get support via social media or else. The question is, are these labels delaying our healing? When do you stop calling a remorseful spouse who betrayed you long ago, "unfaithful"?

I have recently come to the realisation that I will stop calling my spouse unfaithful because he is no longer unfaithful to our marriage. He is now my "not-any-longer-unfaithful spouse" if I must use the term for clarity. Or simply, my husband. Full stop.

It is important to listen to how we are talking to ourselves. If you are recovering from an affair and your spouse is doing the work, give both of you the credit YOU deserve. Feel proud of your progress even when there are dark days still among you.

Focus on the positives and bear in mind that labels have a significant impact on your brain. What label are you giving yourself, your relationship or your spouse?

I have been betrayed and that doesn't mean I will remain a betrayed spouse forever. I am currently a spouse, giving the love I feel for my husband a second chance. I listen to my heart every day and appreciate it when it feels good. It gets shaky when fear kicks in, or doubt. So I check for signs of infidelity and I remind myself that time will tell, just like it did until I got the evidence of the affair (DDay, in case you're wondering).

Triggers around DDay

DDay is another label that I am starting to question. I don't want to make it an anniversary to dread. Once you put it on your calendar, you might be triggered to flood emotionally as a result of your conditioning to remember what/how you found out on that day.

The reality is, DDay is in the PAST. I don't think I want to highlight it too much in my life. Better to focus on birthdays, graduations and other happier events to celebrate, not to dread.

The past was a lie

Another sad effect of infidelity is looking at past events before DDay and connecting it with what was happening during the affair that you were unaware of.

One way to avoid the emotional flooding that might arise from memories of the time you were uncertain about the affair, is to focus on people with whom you spent those holidays or celebrations and who were not lying to you. It could be your children or your friends. Or you could think of a happy event that was REAL and happened on that occasion: good grades for your children, a happy reunion with an old friend, great news from abroad or anything good unrelated to the affair.  

It's not easy but it is possible

I hope these observations help you become more aware of the way you are thinking. We cannot control the automatic post-trauma thoughts from the wound created by the evidence of betrayal, but we can use tools to get to the point where you can turn the page sooner. Allow yourself to fall in despair and to feel disappointed if it comes to that. Once you rest from the emotional strain, start again. There is hope.