Dear Husband, Talk to my pain and help me recover
Today, almost seven months after Dday, husband went into his boss's office, where the affair partner works. This is a huge trigger for me since one of the things that attracted my H to her was the insight into the boss's mind she could provide.
The fact that they work in the same building causes underlying anxiety in me every time my husband leaves home to go to his job. This situation will change at some point in time but it is the reality right now.
Gut feeling guided me this evening to ask if he had seen her as he walked into the boss's office. He responded, "Yes, I said hi and continued walking". I felt an adrenaline rush, pain, the inability to change things and anger that made me say "I am not happy that you see her every time you walk into his office... you fucked her!".
It is not a pretty picture and I don't feel proud of falling into this rabbit hole of pain, anger and aggressiveness. I wish I was more elevated but I am not. I am a simple mortal with many limitations.
In the face of a possible whirlwind of misery, a night of insomnia next to a withdrawn husband who did not apologise for the pain he causes, I decided to write this letter to him while he sleeps:
I am sorry that I become aggressive when I am in pain. And then you withdraw. I understand you prefer to let me cool down to avoid my aggressiveness from escalating. This hurts me even more. It would help if you could talk to my pain directly. I know it’s not the natural response as you see an aggressive behaviour instead of pain. I am working on not letting myself go into uncontrollable misery that will lead to other aggressive responses in your working environment. Unfortunately, your poor choices have made going to see your boss a trigger of pain for me. It would help (I will spell it out for you once more) if you address my pain when you see that I’m concerned about you seeing your affair partner at work. Saying “I’m sorry I created this situation that causes you pain” will soothe my pain. Even if I don’t immediately calm down, my brain will eventually process the message.
I also want to clarify that I appreciate you sharing your exchange with your boss with me, as your most loyal and important team member. Thank you for making me feel that way. It will always be bittersweet as long as she is part of that physical space. I want to keep her presence as unimportant as it seems to be now for you. But I need your help. Honesty is the best option. Lying would avoid my impulsive response but it will cause disconnection that I will sense later for sure. Honesty followed by an apology to the fact that it hurts me imagining you communicating with her is what I suggest. Don’t wait any longer. Help me get out of the rabbit hole, please.
I hope this can help some of my fellow betrayed spouses. Let me know what you think in the comments,
Helen.
The fact that they work in the same building causes underlying anxiety in me every time my husband leaves home to go to his job. This situation will change at some point in time but it is the reality right now.
Gut feeling guided me this evening to ask if he had seen her as he walked into the boss's office. He responded, "Yes, I said hi and continued walking". I felt an adrenaline rush, pain, the inability to change things and anger that made me say "I am not happy that you see her every time you walk into his office... you fucked her!".
It is not a pretty picture and I don't feel proud of falling into this rabbit hole of pain, anger and aggressiveness. I wish I was more elevated but I am not. I am a simple mortal with many limitations.
In the face of a possible whirlwind of misery, a night of insomnia next to a withdrawn husband who did not apologise for the pain he causes, I decided to write this letter to him while he sleeps:
I am sorry that I become aggressive when I am in pain. And then you withdraw. I understand you prefer to let me cool down to avoid my aggressiveness from escalating. This hurts me even more. It would help if you could talk to my pain directly. I know it’s not the natural response as you see an aggressive behaviour instead of pain. I am working on not letting myself go into uncontrollable misery that will lead to other aggressive responses in your working environment. Unfortunately, your poor choices have made going to see your boss a trigger of pain for me. It would help (I will spell it out for you once more) if you address my pain when you see that I’m concerned about you seeing your affair partner at work. Saying “I’m sorry I created this situation that causes you pain” will soothe my pain. Even if I don’t immediately calm down, my brain will eventually process the message.
I also want to clarify that I appreciate you sharing your exchange with your boss with me, as your most loyal and important team member. Thank you for making me feel that way. It will always be bittersweet as long as she is part of that physical space. I want to keep her presence as unimportant as it seems to be now for you. But I need your help. Honesty is the best option. Lying would avoid my impulsive response but it will cause disconnection that I will sense later for sure. Honesty followed by an apology to the fact that it hurts me imagining you communicating with her is what I suggest. Don’t wait any longer. Help me get out of the rabbit hole, please.
I hope this can help some of my fellow betrayed spouses. Let me know what you think in the comments,
Helen.
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