A note to my ex-unfaithful husband about triggers and insecurities

I have come to the conclusion that anything can trigger a betrayed spouse to succumb to depression, anxiety, hypervigilance, anger or any other emotion related to the trauma and grief resulting from infidelity. It is difficult to foresee when you are going to be more vulnerable to falling into a path that only goes downhill.

I sent my husband this message as a response to what had triggered me “now”. He had been doing the work for recovery since the day I discovered his affair and had been pushing me to agree to accompany him to outings that had to do with his work connections. I felt trapped and decided to expose him and her to their boss.

This is what I sent as a text message:

My whole life is a trigger since the day I started looking for a place to move away from my home, for something I didn’t do.

All the changes brought about by your long-time affair (and I’m not talking about the period while you were sexually involved. It started four years ago with where you decided to put your heart: work, work, colleagues, career). I was getting the leftovers of the leftovers.

Today, 60 days after DDay, every time I feel inclined to go back to the possibility of “us”, I panic. I react angrily. I get stressed over the thought of going back to the helplessness of you plunging into work, work, work and whatever comes with it, and “us” just serving as a pretty frame whenever it is convenient.

I feel more peace at the thought of being alone because I have control over myself but I cannot control what you do. That’s why I asked for time but you keep pushing it. And I run away. I go back to remembering how all of this started.

Hope this helps you understand how I feel. I’m being completely honest as I usually am. This is who I am and I cannot live otherwise.

I haven’t stopped loving you but I must love myself more so that I don’t go back to being the boring, frustrated woman I had become in my attempt to support you.

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You can read the whole story of my eight months since DDay on eBook or print.