Use brain knowledge to reprogram after infidelity: a take on Dr Storoni's TEDTalk

This brain of ours insists on having us on alert mode. Biology explains it as survival of the fittest. In ancient times, those who were more cautious survived the dangers of the wild. Those who considered the worst-case scenarios certainly avoided peril and were able to reproduce and make more cautious human babies. This means we all descend from ancestors who considered all the possible ways in which things could go WRONG. The consequence? Most of our seventy THOUSAND thoughts per day are negative unless we do something to become aware and prevent them from highjacking our mind.

A TEDTalk on Neuroscience and happiness adapted to Infidelity

Dr Mithu Storoni is a neuroscientist who explains how there's a tug of war between our rational and our irrational brain. The amygdala is the part of the brain that is irrational and considers everything in a negative way. It takes over brain activity under conditions of high stress, like when the betrayed spouse finds out about the infidelity. This explains the negativity and the despair experienced by those who are cheated on by their partners. Their brains are not able to form connections in their rational areas. They are NOT able to think objectively.

The good news

We can train our brain to form connections in the rational areas and this will make us resilient. Dr Storoni recommends nutrition, rest and exercise. She explains our brain needs challenge and novelty. You would agree infidelity gives you both. The irony is that infidelity produces the trauma and can also be used as a tool to recover from the trauma. Using old ideas in a new challenging environment? You bet! Thinking of new ways to deal with the challenges? Sure thing. 

Another aspect to consider is attention. Dr Storoni explains that you either focus your attention on something or you let your mind wander. They are mutually exclusive and you cannot concentrate on something when you are emotionally involved with something else. 

In the case of infidelity, the excruciating pain doesn't allow the betrayed to concentrate on solving the challenges created by the infidelity. We must, therefore, find a way to disengage the emotional flooding and purposely focus on problem-solving. 

Dr Storoni recommends meditating as a way to detach from the negativity of the emotional brain. There are other ways in which we can help our rational brain win the tug of war with the amygdala. There's mindfulness through colouring, singing, playing an instrument, gardening, writing in a gratitude journal.

The more you engage in positive activities, the more your brain will record happy chapters in your autobiography that is authored by the DMN of the brain, a centre that records everything we experience in our subconscious memory. The moment we stop thinking, we re-read this autobiography. 

What to do then?

The more happy chapters we allow the DMN of our brain to record, the fewer negativity will remain when we stop thinking. Keep working on your personal growth and on accumulating positive chapters for your autobiography. 

Self-love is key. Focus on the positives of your day, acknowledge the improvements in your relationship if you are working to stay in it or cheer yourself up for being able to enjoy even the smallest of happy moments on your own or with your children. 

If you are working on your relationship with a remorseful ex-cheater, give him or her more of what you want so they will mirror it back to you. Appreciate their small steps towards giving you what you need. Make sure you will remember the nice details post-affair. It is a two-way road. Play your part to get what you want. Many times you have to ask because the other person has a different life experience and cannot guess what your needs are. Ask away and write more of those happy chapter. 

As Dr Storoni states: "You can GROW happy". Be resilient by exercising the right "muscles". And, remember, there is HOPE.