You normally give what YOU need

One of the useful nuggets I gathered from Tony Robbins seminars about relationships is that we all have different needs and we don’t normally spell them out for our partner. So we end up getting what our partner thinks we need based on what their own needs are. It works both ways. 

Reflecting on an example from four months ago

When we were in the sixth month after Dday, my husband and I went out with some friends from his work. These were good, old friends from the time we both finished uni and we were just starting our careers. They didn't know about the affair we are recovering from. Only one of them who works very closely with my husband knew, as I had informed her on Dday so she could keep an eye on her boss, for the sake of any important decisions that had to be made on that day. No one else knew. 

We had been avoiding socializing since the Summer when I discovered the affair, so I felt it was time to start reconnecting with old friends. 

Sometimes not knowing can lead to dangerous destinations and that’s what happened when one of my husband’s closest friends (but not close enough that he knew about the affair) brought up the topic of my H’s new, young PA. 

“Have you seen her, Helen?”, he asked.

“No”, I replied calmly, “why do you ask?”

“Well, she is young. Mmm, a new PA after having that older lady for so long?”

“I haven’t met her and I don’t understand why you are bringing up this topic in this tone”.

At this point all eyes were on us. My H just squeezed my hand in fear because he knew I was upset about him having a new potential AP to connect with at work. I had hinted a few weeks earlier at his sister’s home during Christmas lunch. He didn’t discuss it in December and he didn’t discuss it during this evening either. He is the type of person who needs to be left alone when something is bothering him, so he gave me “space” to get over that inappropriate, politically incorrect comment of his friend-colleague. 

Before the end of the unfortunate conversation, my H had said, in an attempt to make his friend stop: “I have nothing to do with the new PA, she's under Rose’s management”, Rose being the hypothetical name of the only person present who knew about the affair, who manages his office. I then added, “I am sure that Rose will make sure that things are kept strictly professional between them because it is important for all people to get their priorities in order”. To this, another friend made a poignant comment, evidence that there was an elephant in the room.

The insolent man went on to say that my husband was such a “good” guy so I had nothing to fear. To this, I reacted decisively with "Just stop right there, don't say another word". H seconded me and the guy eventually stopped. 

I breathed and breathed to calm down. My H could have been more clear in his answer or pointed out that this is not the way you talk about someone who is not present, at least.

Snowball effect of lack of communication

It all became a mess because we left and H didn't bring the subject up on our drive back home. I didn’t even know where to start so I kept quiet. I was tired of always being the one to start the awkward conversations. So we just went home, enjoyed some Hysterical bonding and carried on. He didn't mention anything the next day, a Sunday we spent together. And then dreadful Monday came when he went back to work where he has weekly meetings with the AP, arranged by the new hot PA.

That Monday night, to make things worse, he had a business dinner so we didn’t get a chance to talk at all. Off he went to work on Tuesday and I disclosed the name of the AP to his office manager first thing in the morning. There was no communication from him all day and when I stated that he hadn't asked how I had been all day, he said he was puzzled by what I had disclosed to Rose and reminded me of our safety agreement of not involving more people who had nothing to do with us. 

When he came back home on Tuesday, 72 hours and one spillage after the mean comments of his stupid coworker (at this point, I don’t consider him a good friend anymore), he finally told me how inappropriate this man’s remarks had been during Saturday at dinner. Really? I had no idea that he agreed with me. I thought his silence meant something else, like how I shouldn’t have mentioned life priorities over a “joke”. Yes, that’s how this man defined his remarks once he saw that I became aggravated.

I was astonished to realise that my H could have avoided me 72 hours of hell. I could have brought the subject up too but for the sake of marriage recovery, I didn’t want to be the one always bringing up the triggers and flood emotionally. I played along waiting to see if my H would ever bring up the subject himself.

Well, he didn’t, until I spilt the beans yet with another coworker. I wasn’t sure he would be able to get over this. But he was on my side. He was appalled by the comments of his colleague-male friend and thought that I responded brilliantly. Yet, he never gave me the positive feedback until after I released some more poison against the OW with his office manager. 

He was giving me time to “chill”. After twenty-two years of marriage he had once more given me what he would have wanted, had he been in my position. He was not able to see how much he would have helped me overcome my pain if he would have acknowledged how out of place those comments were. He had even received a phone call from the stupid guy, who obviously realized how his “joke” was out of place. He wanted to apologize. He had to wait for a third call attempt because my H ignored the first call on Monday morning. He certainly was evading awkward conversations. 

As regards his office manager, she talked to my H on Monday morning about the disrespectful remarks and how my reaction made it obvious to those who didn’t know about the affair that something was going on. Great! My H’s office manager got to talk about me with my H, and I had gotten zero feedback, nada. Not only that, on Tuesday, after I sent her the message with the name of the AP, she showed my H my message and asked to stay out of it. I unfriended her on Fb so I couldn’t message her again.

Looking back and learning from the experience

This was such an unfortunate series of events that could have all been avoided had there been better communication between the parties. To our credit, infidelity shatters so many concepts that we just needed some time to process and clarify what had happened. Still, four months after these events took place, I felt the need to write them down to let you know that your partner’s needs are not the same as yours. Make sure you both understand what the other needs most under certain circumstances. I had clearly told my H many times before Dday that the worst he can do when I’m upset is “give me space”. I need proximity, hugs, conversations.

He is getting better at giving me what I need and I am getting better at acknowledging that every person is just doing the best they can with the legacy they have. Like Esther Perel explains, two stories come together in a marriage. You have yours and your partner, theirs.