Did you discover an affair recently? From an #Infidelity third grader to a preschooler
Dear betrayed spouse who discovered the infidelity less than six months ago,
I am sorry you are going through so much pain. It is normal to feel like you don't know who you are any more. The effects of the secrecy that accompanies any type of affair in which your life partner got involved are real even though they are invisible.
I am writing to ensure that you are doing the best you can. It doesn't matter if you don't know what to do. Nobody knows. The path through the discovery and the "sailing" through infidelity varies from person to person.
Some betrayed spouses don't get a chance to fight for their marriage. You need two to tango and sometimes the unfaithful spouse just leaves without facing the consequences of his/her choices. Those who get involved in an affair feel relieved in a way since they cannot hide it anymore. Imagine all the energy they were spending in making sure you wouldn't suspect, let alone discover their secret relationship. Many think they are "in love" with their affair partner.
Others choose their marriage, promising the affair is over the minute you discover them. This gives you the chance to work together to rebuild the marriage and you are faced with different timelines (what is new for you is "over" for your spouse) and different levels of empathy and recovery from your ex-unfaithful spouse.
Then is the uninvited thoughts, somewhat obsessive, about the affair partner. "How cynical", "How dare they?" and so many more questions that you don't have the answer to. Don't feel bad about this. Without a willing third party, your spouse wouldn't have been able to stray, so there is a valid point in thinking about her/him.
Do you contact the AP? No! No, no, no, no. There is nothing to win and much to lose in contacting the willing party. Write a letter. Here's the one I wrote to mine and another one from another betrayed spouse. We never sent them but we found much healing in sharing them with other betrayed spouses. You can do the same. There are many reasons why to stay away from contacting the AP. Any boundaries regarding her/him are to be arranged solely with your ex-unfaithful spouse and under the guidance of a qualified therapist.
For now, take good care of yourself. We understand how difficult it is to get through the day. If you have young children, you are a hero for being able to take care of their basic needs too. There is nothing more shattering than discovering that the person you trusted with your life has betrayed you.
You certainly didn't deserve to be betrayed. There is nothing you could have done to prevent it. Even if you had problems in your marriage, you didn't choose to stray. The responsibility is 100% on the unfaithful.
There are plenty of resources to help you deal with the aftermath of infidelity. Browse this blog and you will find links to other blogs, books and videos that will help you understand what you are going through and how proud you should feel of how far you've come.
I am thirteen and a half months after DDay and feeling stronger by the day. I am learning to live with the uncertainty that is part of life and embracing the deeper layers of myself that were revealed by the suffering.
From one betrayed spouse to another, know that you are very loved and very brave.
I am sorry you are going through so much pain. It is normal to feel like you don't know who you are any more. The effects of the secrecy that accompanies any type of affair in which your life partner got involved are real even though they are invisible.
I am writing to ensure that you are doing the best you can. It doesn't matter if you don't know what to do. Nobody knows. The path through the discovery and the "sailing" through infidelity varies from person to person.
Some betrayed spouses don't get a chance to fight for their marriage. You need two to tango and sometimes the unfaithful spouse just leaves without facing the consequences of his/her choices. Those who get involved in an affair feel relieved in a way since they cannot hide it anymore. Imagine all the energy they were spending in making sure you wouldn't suspect, let alone discover their secret relationship. Many think they are "in love" with their affair partner.
Others choose their marriage, promising the affair is over the minute you discover them. This gives you the chance to work together to rebuild the marriage and you are faced with different timelines (what is new for you is "over" for your spouse) and different levels of empathy and recovery from your ex-unfaithful spouse.
Then is the uninvited thoughts, somewhat obsessive, about the affair partner. "How cynical", "How dare they?" and so many more questions that you don't have the answer to. Don't feel bad about this. Without a willing third party, your spouse wouldn't have been able to stray, so there is a valid point in thinking about her/him.
Do you contact the AP? No! No, no, no, no. There is nothing to win and much to lose in contacting the willing party. Write a letter. Here's the one I wrote to mine and another one from another betrayed spouse. We never sent them but we found much healing in sharing them with other betrayed spouses. You can do the same. There are many reasons why to stay away from contacting the AP. Any boundaries regarding her/him are to be arranged solely with your ex-unfaithful spouse and under the guidance of a qualified therapist.
For now, take good care of yourself. We understand how difficult it is to get through the day. If you have young children, you are a hero for being able to take care of their basic needs too. There is nothing more shattering than discovering that the person you trusted with your life has betrayed you.
You certainly didn't deserve to be betrayed. There is nothing you could have done to prevent it. Even if you had problems in your marriage, you didn't choose to stray. The responsibility is 100% on the unfaithful.
There are plenty of resources to help you deal with the aftermath of infidelity. Browse this blog and you will find links to other blogs, books and videos that will help you understand what you are going through and how proud you should feel of how far you've come.
I am thirteen and a half months after DDay and feeling stronger by the day. I am learning to live with the uncertainty that is part of life and embracing the deeper layers of myself that were revealed by the suffering.
From one betrayed spouse to another, know that you are very loved and very brave.
So many things from this post resonate with me:
ReplyDeleteI'm happy that I got the chance to fight for my marriage. My H was battling himself everyday as to why he couldn't stop going back to an AP who he hated when he had "the perfect spouse" at home. He was suicidal when it was exposed and he says I saved his life.
The different timelines. For my H, he was so glad it was over and he wanted to put it behind him. But I was connecting all the dots that I had been gaslighted about for a year. I told him I need to get through all my seasons, all the "a year ago today you were..." We have 4 more months to get to that mark.
Contacting the AP. Uggh, I have a story to tell, but I will keep that for when I write my own blog. My advice if you do it in person, don't go alone.
None of us deserve this. It's good we all have each other to lean on and some of us ahead of us to see that there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Hi True Love 91.
DeleteI gather you are eight months from DDay. Keep going. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Take good care of yourself.
Thanks for sharing. Can't wait to read about your face to face with the AP. My first one on my own with her on the phone was a twenty minute conversation where I called her names. She was very manipulative. We don't deserve this but it definitely makes us stronger. I never knew how strong I could be until I had to defend my family from the "twunt".