One of Bessel van der Kolk’s ways to recover from trauma that worked for me

Trauma scientist Bessel van der Kolk MD, author of The Body Keeps the Score, summarized some of the main points included in his book in this conference in 2015. He has been studying trauma for over thirty years and he presented evidence of changes in the neurological pathways in the brain after traumatic experiences. We cannot think logically when we are triggered after abuse, the horrors of war or, in our case, infidelity. What is useful to know is that we can be cured from the effects of trauma.

Some of the practices Dr van der Kolk studied were EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing therapy), yoga, mindfulness, theater and role play, guided meditations and prescribed drugs. He explained how there’s not one specific practice that will cure us from the effects of trauma. Rather, some are more effective than others depending on the person.

He showed a few examples and talked about people whose trust was shattered because they were abused in one way or another. His goal was to make it possible for the traumatized person to be in touch with reality rather than to act as if the events of the past were happening again. This is what we want too, after being betrayed by our spouses or long-term life partners.

Dr van der Kolk explained that empowering the patients could cure them from the trauma. For example, he mentioned a taekwondo champion who had been traumatized and who was paralysed when her brain sensed danger via the amygdala centre. Through treatment she was able to distinguish between reality and the traumatic experience and she could defend herself again, even when triggered in her present life. 

This so much spoke to me because one of the reasons why I have been able to move on with my life and use my energy and time away from healing from the trauma of infidelity, is that for six months last year, I went back to a profession that I love.  This experience empowered me. It was a reminder of what I am capable of doing. It worked by me being someone rather than by analising and understanding behaviors. 

The above opportunity came to an end a few months ago and, since then, I have become even more assertive and focused on what I want from my life. I want to feel empowered by doing what I love for as long as I am able to. I am changing what I can to increase my chances of going back to this profession. And husband is supporting me. He reads loud and clear that this is my condition to be able to stay in the marriage. 

Infidelity recovery is about not being afraid of being deceived again. What I have learned that has given me peace is that I must be compassionate with myself, listen to my needs and articulate them so that they might become a reality.

Wanting to go back to a profession that serves others shouldn’t be a problem to the global consciousness. I will continue to work to make that possible. It is already happening at a micro level. I am willing to flow and to accept a different direction that Life might offer as I move towards my goal.

Thank you for reading and I hope this helps. Get to know yourself and be honest about what you need in your life. Let go of what no longer serves you and put boundaries in place to prevent it from disturbing your peace. Make it happen. There are things you can control. Focus on those and forget about changing others.

Love is about accepting the other person as s/he is.

And the above starts from accepting yourself.  

Keep walking, 

Lots of love,

Helen