Noticing progress during #infidelity recovery

 Are you appreciating your own progress as you recover from infidelity? 

I am sure that if you are reading this blog is because you want to feel better. There are many online resources, books and organised groups that you can join, read or listen to when you've told yourself: "I don't want to suffer so much anymore."

After discovery day, you react to the betrayal by entering a zone of pure survival mode. The person you built a life with is not who you thought and you must re-assess your situation. But you find it difficult to think objectively because you can't stop thinking about the affair or the betrayal. 

As time passes, you start to have minutes of being able to focus on something unrelated to infidelity. You might be able to do your work properly or to enjoy that hobby that has kept you sane. We need tools to be able to calm the anger, the anxiety, the doubt, the sadness and all of those conditions we uncontrollably feel past Dday. 

The minutes of peace become hours and, eventually, days. 

We all have our own time and our own way to get there. You will find many resources on this blog and two of them are worth recalling: noticing how far you've come and considering the possibility that the healing that you notice in you and/or your partner, if you're working on recovering together, is real and it might give way to a better life together or with a new partner. 

If you have separated, you can start believing that a healthy relationship awaits you whenever you're ready for it. 

If you are together with an ex-unfaithful spouse, you might be ignoring the progress s/he has made. Remember that we are wired to expect the worse as a survival mechanism. You might be missing out on the actions of your spouse that you have been longing for and are finally part of your life. 

In my case, I requested more words of love and appreciation from my husband and it was difficult for him to deliver. However, he found a way to write to me what I wanted to hear. We went from him explaining what the emojis meant, to actually spelling love out for me, as I had requested. 

In the process, I accepted his limitation on this area of articulating feelings. Acceptance comes with disregard. I had to stop looking for what I desired so I wouldn't be disappointed. He has consistently written loving words over the past months in every single text message he sends me.

I have only recently started to appreciate his words. He cannot speak them. That doesn't mean I must disregard his effort in writing them instead. I see the glass half full, what is instead of what isn't.

I have been noticing how he has actually said "I love you" many times lately. He has also said "Thank you for everything". And for a betrayed spouse those words are music to our ears. 

I am expecting less from my husband because I am growing as I learn about love. I recommend this podcast with Mel Robbins about self-love and tools to empower us. Remember that empowerment is the way to CURE trauma. 

Do more of what makes you happy, be compassionate with yourself and give your inner child what s/he needs. You are an adult now.