Reflecting on mid-life crisis and infidelity
The challenges a marriage faces when the partners reach their forties require openness and discussion about topics that were never relevant before. Who needed to talk about pre-menopause or erectile dysfunction before reaching the big 4-0?
We all hear about the mid-life crisis but we are not taught how to overcome the challenges it creates for a long-term marriage. In our case, I looked for answers to get over my own health and mood challenges. My husband obviously didn’t choose to openly discuss his issues with me and was carried away by the charms of being an executive manager at work.
In his mind, everything was under control. He would please himself with another woman so he could then please me so that I would continue to take care of his home and his family. In this way, he could have it all: career, manhood and family. The more I suspected he was having an affair and confronted him about it, the more pressure he felt to hide the truth from me so the status quo could remain.
One thing I knew from my parents’ experience and all the counselling I went through because of it, is that the cheating partner is not aware of how much he is risking by remaining in the affair. Unfaithful spouses lie to themselves so they can continue pleasing their need to “feel alive again” after so many years of dedication to others. They don’t realise that their spouse has been committed and deprived of individuality for the sake of the family they have developed together for the same number of years without choosing to stray.
I never expected my husband to actually lie to me and remain in an affair after knowing that I suspected it. I had been very clear about my experience as a child and I had warned him about all the circumstances that made him vulnerable to fall into the trap. I felt that I had started the conversation about infidelity so that he would open up or, at least, get out of affair jail. I was honest about my fears and frustrations. What I hadn’t figured out by then was what exactly my needs were.
Our challenges in entering middle age had eroded our relationship and he decided to find comfort in an affair. I felt the secrecy, the very subtle changes in behaviour, the change of phone password, the disconnection. I just couldn't label the latter. It was the disconnection between us that was created by him replacing me with another woman that I couldn't pinpoint. It was a compartmentalised disconnection. There were moments during which he was totally present in our home and then he would withdraw again.
It was very difficult to "prove" that he was having an affair even when every cell of my body could feel the betrayal. The few times that I confronted him, he brought up the dedication and the compensation actions he was taking to make me feel loved. Shortly before I got the definite proof about his affair, I remember saying to him: "I don't know how to explain it, I just feel that there is someone else between us".
I did not realise at the time that all I needed was to felt acknowledged. If only I would have heard him stating how significant my role as a mother and as a supportive wife was, I’m sure we would have been much happier. Unfortunately, all I did was share my unhappiness without communicating my needs. I couldn’t pinpoint exactly what they were so I wasn’t able to pass on the message to anyone.
My husband started dreading my company since he was unable to make me happy with all his “Mr Fix It” proposals and actions that included suggestions to hire a house helper, get a job that would fulfil me or just “enjoy what I was blessed with”. In his mind, he was doing everything he could to make me happy but I was still not satisfied. It took years until I was able to say “I just want more of YOU”.
By the time I said it out loud it was too late to prevent him from going down the “Having an affair to escape from my boring self” lane, paraphrasing couple therapy expert, Esther Perel. Perel became famous after a Ted talk about infidelity. That’s how I found her. She focused on couples, like ours, who loved each other very much and, after years of being faithful, one of the two has an affair.
Without justifying infidelity, she explains that cheating can be triggered by the death of a relative or a friend, an illness or other traumatic experiences. In those cases, one spouse can reach a crossroads and decide that they must give themselves the chance to do something exciting before their life ends. She invites the betrayed spouse to give themselves a second chance in love, with the same person, provided the unfaithful is remorseful.
Perel also suggests that happily married people cheat sometimes to escape from the person they have become. It was my husband's case. He had become a boring person after being overworked and underpaid for years. This was happening while our boys were sailing through teenagehood and I was facing hormonal imbalances.
I didn’t know about the importance of asking open-ended questions and talking about how we would see ourselves in five or ten years time. After twenty years of marriage, our life had become centred around parenting and playing the roles as they had evolved by inertia.
I had become the perfect, supportive wife to an ambitious husband who was dedicated almost entirely to his work. I gave up my intellectual challenges to have the energy to assume both his and my parenting responsibilities. And he took over the professional role of at least two high management positions to continue to shine in an increasingly difficult job environment.
We all hear about the mid-life crisis but we are not taught how to overcome the challenges it creates for a long-term marriage. In our case, I looked for answers to get over my own health and mood challenges. My husband obviously didn’t choose to openly discuss his issues with me and was carried away by the charms of being an executive manager at work.
In his mind, everything was under control. He would please himself with another woman so he could then please me so that I would continue to take care of his home and his family. In this way, he could have it all: career, manhood and family. The more I suspected he was having an affair and confronted him about it, the more pressure he felt to hide the truth from me so the status quo could remain.
One thing I knew from my parents’ experience and all the counselling I went through because of it, is that the cheating partner is not aware of how much he is risking by remaining in the affair. Unfaithful spouses lie to themselves so they can continue pleasing their need to “feel alive again” after so many years of dedication to others. They don’t realise that their spouse has been committed and deprived of individuality for the sake of the family they have developed together for the same number of years without choosing to stray.
I never expected my husband to actually lie to me and remain in an affair after knowing that I suspected it. I had been very clear about my experience as a child and I had warned him about all the circumstances that made him vulnerable to fall into the trap. I felt that I had started the conversation about infidelity so that he would open up or, at least, get out of affair jail. I was honest about my fears and frustrations. What I hadn’t figured out by then was what exactly my needs were.
Our challenges in entering middle age had eroded our relationship and he decided to find comfort in an affair. I felt the secrecy, the very subtle changes in behaviour, the change of phone password, the disconnection. I just couldn't label the latter. It was the disconnection between us that was created by him replacing me with another woman that I couldn't pinpoint. It was a compartmentalised disconnection. There were moments during which he was totally present in our home and then he would withdraw again.
It was very difficult to "prove" that he was having an affair even when every cell of my body could feel the betrayal. The few times that I confronted him, he brought up the dedication and the compensation actions he was taking to make me feel loved. Shortly before I got the definite proof about his affair, I remember saying to him: "I don't know how to explain it, I just feel that there is someone else between us".
Twenty years take their toll
Twenty years after we committed to each other in a religious Wedding ceremony and three children later, the difficulties we were both facing in middle-age drifted us apart instead of bringing us closer together. Communication is not easy between two people unless you are aware of the importance to share the flaws you experience in your relationship. My husband is not a person who likes to talk about flaws. So he became frustrated by my lack of satisfaction with the way my life had turned out as soon as I hit forty-five.I did not realise at the time that all I needed was to felt acknowledged. If only I would have heard him stating how significant my role as a mother and as a supportive wife was, I’m sure we would have been much happier. Unfortunately, all I did was share my unhappiness without communicating my needs. I couldn’t pinpoint exactly what they were so I wasn’t able to pass on the message to anyone.
My husband started dreading my company since he was unable to make me happy with all his “Mr Fix It” proposals and actions that included suggestions to hire a house helper, get a job that would fulfil me or just “enjoy what I was blessed with”. In his mind, he was doing everything he could to make me happy but I was still not satisfied. It took years until I was able to say “I just want more of YOU”.
By the time I said it out loud it was too late to prevent him from going down the “Having an affair to escape from my boring self” lane, paraphrasing couple therapy expert, Esther Perel. Perel became famous after a Ted talk about infidelity. That’s how I found her. She focused on couples, like ours, who loved each other very much and, after years of being faithful, one of the two has an affair.
Without justifying infidelity, she explains that cheating can be triggered by the death of a relative or a friend, an illness or other traumatic experiences. In those cases, one spouse can reach a crossroads and decide that they must give themselves the chance to do something exciting before their life ends. She invites the betrayed spouse to give themselves a second chance in love, with the same person, provided the unfaithful is remorseful.
Perel also suggests that happily married people cheat sometimes to escape from the person they have become. It was my husband's case. He had become a boring person after being overworked and underpaid for years. This was happening while our boys were sailing through teenagehood and I was facing hormonal imbalances.
I didn’t know about the importance of asking open-ended questions and talking about how we would see ourselves in five or ten years time. After twenty years of marriage, our life had become centred around parenting and playing the roles as they had evolved by inertia.
I had become the perfect, supportive wife to an ambitious husband who was dedicated almost entirely to his work. I gave up my intellectual challenges to have the energy to assume both his and my parenting responsibilities. And he took over the professional role of at least two high management positions to continue to shine in an increasingly difficult job environment.
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