Having an affair? Beware, you WILL be caught

Nothing compares to the pain caused by choices made by the person you decide to build your life with. While I was going through the pain of my husband's infidelity, I would look at greater pain, like the loss of a child, to put my situation in perspective. The first day after DDay when I went out and saw the sun rising while I was still breathing, I understood that there IS life beyond infidelity. I just didn't know how I could recover or start over or just start walking.

Yes, shit happens to many people and there's nothing you can do to prevent a spouse or a life-time partner to betray you. Infidelity is not about the betrayed, it's an option the betrayer has in this world we live in. It results from a problem, lack of communication and a willing third party. Nothing too uncommon. 

One thing I have learned is that there are two teams: those who will never cheat and those who will. And that's it. 

During affair recovery we read, we do therapy, both individually and with the spouse, if they're willing. Some lie to the therapist and pretend they want to understand what happened so that it will never happen again. 

Other unfaithful spouses believe they are in love with their affair partner and leave a mature and loving family for a fantasy that they then have to stick to or will regret forever having fallen prey to their own lies. 

If you are having an affair or just flirting, know that your partner will know. S/he can see subtle changes in your behaviour. Remember you share a bed, a bathroom, a home, maybe even children, big or small. 

Any attachment or adrenaline rush caused by a third party at work, or in family or neighbourhood gatherings, or with a parent to one of your kids' friends, is a reason to hear the warning bells. 

You will be caught. You think you can compartmentalise forever because "it doesn't mean anything" or s/he will never find out, but one day, unless you are a monster, you will start not being able to keep up a double life. As time passes by, evidence of changed behaviour mounts against you and your spouse becomes even more suspicious. Maybe s/he even confronts you and you just keep lying, so that you can have the cake and eat it too. 

The problem is that secrets carry ENERGY and that's why s/he feels something's off. The more you lie, the more pain you will cause. It is called gaslighting and it is very difficult to forgive when you underestimate your partner's intelligence and sanity. 

I have chosen to give my ex-unfaithful husband another chance. We are living our second marriage after his affair with a married co-worker. It was fortunate for our family that their affair "didn't mean anything" and they were both "just fooling around". 

The wound in my soul will always be there. I was forever changed by his betrayal. It is sad that we will always have to live with the knowledge that he decided to flirt and connect to another woman while I was standing firm managing the home and family we built during twenty two years of marriage. 

I lived through four years of hell, suspecting, confronting him about our disconnection, asking if he was having an affair. So, the day I discovered him, I was relieved knowing that my suspicions were on point. 

Today, almost three years after Dday, I am in a much better position. There's no more gaslighting, no more disconnection nor changed behaviour. My husband is more centered than ever in our home,  he is attentive and connected to my needs and feelings. But it took a long journey to recover from all the pain his betrayal caused. 

There is not one day that passes and I don't think of his affair, even if I'm aware it's now in the past. We are building loving memories with ourselves, our friends and our children. I am taking it one day at a time. I feel peace. 

Infidelity is never the answer. If you are not in a good place in your marriage, start the conversation, go to therapy, talk to a mentor, but never, ever, think that flirting or an innocent online connection with another sex partner, will be good for your marriage. 

Be brave, be clever, raise above the possibility of just having a fling. Anything you wouldn't want your spouse to know about should be avoided. If you need to put barriers in place, do so. There are many ways. Do not go down the affair road and then suffer the consequences trying to save a marriage to which you added infidelity on top of all the challenges that must be faced as we grow individually with time. 

You will be caught. Find a plan B. And if you are living a double life, STOP your affair or confess and get out of your marriage. Make a decision. It is the least you owe the person who has been loyal to you all these years.