Infidelity starts with a secret and ends... with another secret

A secret has energy. It is something we hide for we are ashamed or fearful we would have to give up something we really want to do.

Esther Perel states that infidelity always involves secrecy. If you are communicating with a friend and you don't want your partner to know, you might be at the beginning of an emotional affair. You think you are protecting your partner or avoiding confrontation but you are really pleasing yourself.

Anyone who's been through infidelity understands the role of secrecy as the backbone of the affair, be it emotional or sexual, real or virtual. It doesn't matter how the secret is kept, the way it makes the person feel is what determines the importance of that connection in their life.

That's how affairs start. The secret makes it exciting. The person in the affair hasn't felt so excited in a long time. Adulthood sucks in many ways and he/she finally feels the adrenaline rush that makes them feel alive. And they hide it from the person they view as part of the boring life they have created of their own free will.

Andrew Marshall, the British marriage therapist, explains how there is always compartmentalisation in affairs, it is not meant to affect the security marriage provides, it doesn't mean anything... until it does. Andrew explains how the walls that the unfaithful builds between the affair and the marriage eventually start to crumble. No one can cope with keeping a secret life for very long. Is that energy that makes it a heavy burden to live with.

I experienced the deterioration in my cheating husband's character. He was always carrying a dose of inherited misery, just like my dad. So I suppose that is something that drew me to him. As Alain de Botton puts it, our instinct carries us towards what is familiar from our childhood. I accepted this lack of enjoying the small things as part of his character. Until he started to enjoy the small things with colleagues because "he had to" as a leader.

My gut feeling was right. There was something strange. It was the energy of the secret he was keeping since the affair started. It had become heavier and heavier and affected him more as time passed by.

The day I discovered his secret we both felt relieved. That was the end of the affair for him. I still had to work on finalising the details of the break-up and making sure the other woman would stay away from him to avoid relapse. I was freed from gaslighting and was now in control of my decisions about the marriage. I decided to separate, at least for a while. I knew he needed to experience life without me for I hadn't felt acknowledged in years. It was not his job to make me feel complete but I could have done with some praising for all my hard work and dedication as a supportive wife and mother.

Separation came and went, and with it, growth. I worked on my inner child and somewhere met his. Old wounds from my parents reopened and I separated from them too. I was free in many ways for the first time.

Separation allowed me to feel that I was not keeping my cheating husband's secret. I wanted to shout it to the world. "Look what he did to me, how he gaslighted me, with who he cheated and how cynical they both were. They used their spouses as cover-ups. They are horrible people". The pain was talking. I couldn't see that bringing him down would bring my children down too. I didn't mind destroying my own life in revenging the betrayal. But my children suffered. They suffered quietly and graciously. They supported me.

There was now a new secret, the secret that we decided to keep as a family. Over a period of many months, I had spilt the beans to trusted friends for support. I couldn't have recovered so quickly without the wise words of divorced friends and the support to whatever I was deciding to do. They know how to show empathy in the long term. They just need to ask me "How are you doing?" or "So, how are YOU?". And we know they're asking about the wound. They also keep our secret.

The affair is over, the struggle is over, I am giving our marriage a chance. Husband has been good, very good over thirteen months since his secret was out. Now it is OUR secret. The energy is spread out to all five of us in the family. Some of it has gone to dear friends and much of it is in my two books. It is a lot lighter to carry and I hope one day it will be so light that a feather will be heavier. I am sure we can get there.

Sharing the secret has been key to recovery. It is not pretend-normal. We cannot be talking about the affair all the time because it is important to be mindful of the present. The trauma caused by the infidelity gives it a lot of energy and part of healing, the way I understand it, is to be able to leave this traumatic experience in the past and focus on today. We look at the wound and take care of it without scratching it. This is the new secret.

Lots of love,

Helen.

PS: You can get Sailing through Infidelity or Sailing beyond Infidelity on Amazon.com