Gaslighting: a term I learned after Dday

The meaning and origin of the term Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a term I never heard until after I discovered the affair and started my recovery process. The term derives from the play “Gas Light” written in 1938 by British dramatist Patrick Hamilton and later film adaptations like the one with Ingrid Bergman and Charles Boyer. Bergman plays a trusting wife to Boyer, who tries to convince her that she is ill in order to keep her from learning the truth.

Gaslighting is a malicious and hidden form of mental and emotional abuse. Self-doubt is planted on you to alter your perception of reality. This psychological manipulation by my own husband was the most painful and damaging effect during my pre-discovery stage.

Intuition was shouting at me that there was something different and, yet, my husband's behaviour was the opposite of mistreatment at times. In gaslighting, the perpetrator acts concerned and kind to dispel suspicion. Husband started inviting me to escape to other cities on weekends and we celebrated our twentieth wedding anniversary abroad.

I did not marry him because of his romanticism or the luxury experiences we could share. I married because I fell in love with him. He was plain and simple but determined and clear on what he wanted. He chose me for his wife and I got on board at twenty-nine, ready to give my everything to our marriage and the family we could create together.

We were never the high spenders or the ones who would work three jobs to buy an expensive piece of furniture that the single job could not afford. I interpreted these gestures of my husband after twenty years together, as a natural phase. We could now enjoy that his career was peaking and we were in our middle life stage. It was what successful professional couples were doing in their mid-forties.

I was wrong. I only started to regain my sanity once the affair was proven.