Our last conversation about his WHY for betrayal

Affair recovery experts say it is very important to understand the reasons that led to infidelity. If you decide to work on your marriage after discovery or disclosure of your spouse's affair, the marriage therapists I came across in the early days after my husband's secret was exposed, talked about two conditions for this to work: ending the affair and understanding WHY it happened.

Andrew G. Marshall explains in his book "How Can I Ever Trust You Again?" that there are eight different types of affairs. He states so clearly each one of them that I didn't really need to discuss this topic with my husband after reading Andrew's explanations. Still, I realised that it was important for me and my husband to agree on how to avoid the reasons that led to his affair.

What we learned about the WHY of infidelity

The WHY someone who loves their spouse cheats is usually not clear for the unfaithful. There is a lot of denial and confusion in the mind of the person who has to hide an affair from someone they love or have loved for many years. 

I used to boil every time my husband would reply to me that "He was confused" while he was cheating. To me, confusion wasn't even near a decent excuse to cheat. 

Later I learned that this confusion is part of the denial and the compartmentalisation that allows a spouse to minimise the meaning of their affair. It is a mechanism of defence for them to be able to live with themselves and to carry on enjoying the limerence that accompanies their extramarital connection. 

During the early months after DDay, my husband and I went over his WHY. Apart from not being able to pinpoint one reason, he told me that the reasons changed over time. 

When did I stop asking

It was only recently, a bit over a year after discovering the secret affair and putting an end to it, that we had a decent conversation about the WHY. It is only now that I can talk about the affair with my husband and not flood emotionally. At least, not for a while during which I can ask questions objectively or state boundaries clearly. 

If I remain calm, he gets the right message and there is no need for becoming defensive. The past two weekends have been free of the topic of his affair. I am so happy to acknowledge this progress in our process of recovery post-affair. In the months following discovery, it seemed like I couldn't stop asking, thinking or complaining about how my husband had crossed the line and lied to me unempathetically for so long. 

This is what he said a couple of weeks ago that closed the case for me: "I shouldn't have let that work relationship get to where it got. The extra social outings with colleagues were unnecessary". 

Yes! This is what I knew was a red flag and a setting for "accidental" affairs to spark. I calmly replied to him: "Shame you chose to unwind with colleagues instead of spending time with your wife who was bored and you knew it. We could have done more fun things together. Now you know better". 

He listened, I listened. He acknowledged that work outings should be kept to the strictly compulsory ones. I reminded him that being high up in the corporate ladder makes other women feel drawn to him due to what he represents. He needs to avoid ambiguity and avoid giving the wrong message through body language and use of emojis. No touching and no emojis that can cause confusion are allowed. 

Is it closure?

I don't know if this is closure for me. For now, I feel that I don't want to go back to the WHY of my husband's betrayal. It is over. We have analysed it in many ways: on our own, in writing, with the therapist, through books and vlogs. 

It has been useful in establishing boundaries that can help to avoid either of us falling into the affair trap again. There is no guarantee, but at least I feel that I can continue to work on creating new memories as I live in the here and now.