Dday vs happy events: how to replace sad memories. Resources included

Summer 2018 was when I discovered my husband had been having an affair with a coworker for 18 months. Summer 2019 has arrived full of triggers that remind me of the way I felt last year while the Sun was shining and we replaced trousers with shorts. Even the shirts that my husband wears remind me of the days, I now know, he was leaving to work events from which they would leave together and have sex in their cars. Disgusting thoughts like these flood my mind with no control at all.

Good thing there are resources and I have been studying and practising, with desperate keenness, techniques to stop the intrusive memories of the worst days of my adult life so far. There are three books that have reassured the need to stop dwelling in the past and separate what was from what is.

• Healing from Infidelity: The Divorce Busting Guide to Rebuilding Your Marriage After an Affair by Michele Weiner-Davis
• After a Good Man Cheats by Caroline Madden
• How Can I Ever Trust You Again?: Infidelity: From Discovery to Recovery in Seven Steps by Andrew G Marshall

At least two of them mention how you can visualise a huge STOP sign when the memories start arriving uninvited into your mind. I think I do that briefly and then move on to mindfulness. Looking around, smelling the smells, thinking of the last time I was with my husband, they all help me get in touch with the here and now. 

Sometimes I feel so invaded by the "buggers" that I need to use other resources like playing music, watching comedy, earthing in the garden with my cat or just hugging my nine-year-old daughter. And sometimes the sadness just stays for days. In those cases, I just accept it and let it sit with me. By acknowledging that I am in pain, the feeling starts losing control over me. I am able to diversify my emotions and slowly focus on things to be grateful for to start feeling the joy I so much crave.

I am feeling stronger as I work on my recovery. I am able to look at my husband's shirt that he wore for an encounter with his AP last year and feel the adrenaline rush, accept it and let it stay with me. By not fighting it or fearing it, I've noticed that it fades away relatively quickly. I then have a good look at my husband wearing that same shirt and spending quality time with me. I start to replace the trigger with my new reality. The shirt is now just a nice Summer short sleeve collar shirt that makes my husband look attractive. And I pursue him, and he responds. 

I am hoping to do something nice during DDay so that I will see that date as I always did before the affair. I know that this year will be hard but I am determined to build new memories and spend as much quality time as possible with this person who is learning to get in touch with his feelings and express the good ones as he acknowledges the sad ones.