Staying in the #marriage after #infidelity is not for everyone

In nearing two years since I discovered my husband’s affair with a coworker, I have been blogging less often. I realised, as I worked on the books that contain all the tips and tools that helped me recover, that the ups and downs came as cycles and that I was starting to repeat myself in what I was writing here. I am currently recording all the chapters of the books on audio format and you can listen on anchor or Spotify.

One of the pending topics is making it clear that this blog is an account of my own case. It has never been my intention to stand for or against staying or leaving the marriage after being betrayed. The decision is personal and depends on many factors.

Sometimes you don’t have a choice

My dear real life friends called Mary, Martha and Emily in the book, are divorced now and have happily found a fulfilling new relationship with a loving man or just with themselves. Emily had to break from a toxic and dangerous man and she had the means to bring up her two children on her own. Mary’s husband cheated and didn’t want to work in the marriage after the turmoil of events that followed discovery. Martha worked on recovery for two years but she felt it was best to let her husband go. 

Some women are trapped in a marriage where they became the SAHM (stay at home mum) and have little or no chance to go into the workforce and cover their motherly duties at home. Divorce would not be financially favorable and they stay for the sake of their children. 

Other women prefer to stay in an unhappy marriage because they can’t trust the husband with their children during the days they must stay with him if they separated.

There are many shades of the above cases. Unless the cheating spouse is a dangerous person, no one has the right to judge the betrayed spouse’s choice of staying.

The naysayers 

I found so much support in the Twitterverse that I could turn a blind eye on the haters, the Chump Lady followers and all those who seemed to be unable to empathize with a betrayed spouse who was working on staying in the marriage with a remorseful ex-unfaithful spouse. I know there are others who are more sensitive to pessimistic remarks.

The naysayers on social media reflect our close relatives, neighbours, friends and coworkers who spit their poison on our otherwise almost uneventful routines. We appear normal and perhaps that’s why they don’t think of the devastating consequences of their cruel remarks. They have no clue we are holding a million splints together in our inner body wooden structure.

We don’t need any more drama in our shattered lives so please keep your negativity to yourselves. 

When should we go

There is no set of guidelines or a questionnaire to answer and get a score to know when it is better not to stay after infidelity has touched our lives.

So far I have stayed and I am happy. I am grateful for those who shared their positive outcome after deciding to stay with an ex-unfaithful, remorseful spouse. They helped me have hope when I doubted.

The new me who emerged after months of pain and therapy doesn’t take anything for granted. She wakes up everyday and counts her blessings. She also knows that she must listen to her gut feeling.

It will be fair to let you know that if you feel something is not quite right, then consider other options beside staying. Start from self love and you will find the answer for what is best for you. Don’t let anyone write your story for you. You owe that decision to yourself.