What made me give my unfaithful spouse a chance
There has been a conversation amongst my fellow betrayed spouses on Twitter about the reasons why some of us decided to stay in the marriage after infidelity. I decided to write a bit more extensively about my reasons in this article for the sake of those who might be undecided.
None of the above justified his decision to have an affair. For me, there could be no more "us" since he had lied to me and had gaslighted me for over a year. Once I had unequivocal proof that he was having a sexual and emotional connection with another woman while pretending that he was the star husband to me, I honoured my decision to leave our home.
Since DDay, the day I discovered his affair, he promised to stop that connection and to work on our marriage. He insisted on “making things right”, a phrase that I eventually dismissed since he couldn’t change what he had done. He had destroyed my trust in him, he wasn’t talking about what he had done with a network of trusted friends like I was. He would pretend at work that all was well.
He thought he could convince me to stay. He promised to give me space. I rejected his proposal on the basis that I didn’t want to see him arriving from work or going out to the many evening commitments he was going to attend. I needed to get away from him, so I started searching for an apartment for myself and the kids since day 1.
I ensured him that I would still be taking care of the home until we decided what we were going to do. I was open to the possibility of reconciliation but I was certain that I needed to leave the house. I would manage two homes as a full-time job while looking for an arrangement to compensate for my services for twenty years of loyalty and support.
We both now know how a divorce would affect our lives: our children, friends, extended family and our finances. We would have to find someone else as a partner in life, someone with a different story, unknown to us.
We are still having great sex, we have embraced rituals like watching a Netflix series together in bed. We cuddle for three minutes every morning before stroking our phones. We are working on creating new memories that will replace the sad ones of the past.
So far, we are doing well. Actually, we are doing great. I am not afraid of sharing it with you or with anyone else because I want to highlight that THERE IS HOPE. If you have had a good marriage and it has been touched by infidelity, you don't have to let that destroy the possibility to create new, happier memories with the person that you love.
Thank you for sharing my journey by reading, commenting and letting other people know about this blog. I hope you can find peace if you have been touched by infidelity. Remember it has nothing to do with you. It is 100% your spouse's choice and it is not justified by anything.
You do have the power to give yourself a chance to love.
Cheers to healing,
Helen.
My main reason to have taken my husband back after he betrayed me was that I realised I still loved him even after he broke my heart.The same heart that he had shattered into a million pieces still poured out love for him. I couldn't switch it off in spite of what I have discovered.
A bit of background
My husband had sowed good seeds over the 23 year period since we met until I discovered his affair with a younger and married coworker. For twenty years he was a loyal husband, a dedicated and loving father to my children and a generous son-in-law to my parents. He gave me the freedom to develop in any area I pursued and was supportive of my decisions with respect to the home we both shared. We were a strong team in the areas of parenting, socialising and supporting each other's intellectual development.None of the above justified his decision to have an affair. For me, there could be no more "us" since he had lied to me and had gaslighted me for over a year. Once I had unequivocal proof that he was having a sexual and emotional connection with another woman while pretending that he was the star husband to me, I honoured my decision to leave our home.
Since DDay, the day I discovered his affair, he promised to stop that connection and to work on our marriage. He insisted on “making things right”, a phrase that I eventually dismissed since he couldn’t change what he had done. He had destroyed my trust in him, he wasn’t talking about what he had done with a network of trusted friends like I was. He would pretend at work that all was well.
He thought he could convince me to stay. He promised to give me space. I rejected his proposal on the basis that I didn’t want to see him arriving from work or going out to the many evening commitments he was going to attend. I needed to get away from him, so I started searching for an apartment for myself and the kids since day 1.
I ensured him that I would still be taking care of the home until we decided what we were going to do. I was open to the possibility of reconciliation but I was certain that I needed to leave the house. I would manage two homes as a full-time job while looking for an arrangement to compensate for my services for twenty years of loyalty and support.
Some logistic details
I menacingly looked at my H in the eyes when he suggested to get in bed with him the night of the discovery and carefully articulated the following words: “There is NO WAY I will sleep in that bed with you. As from today, this is YOUR room and your bed and I will find my own elsewhere”. I then moved to my eldest son’s empty room to start my life as a separated woman.
A few days later we embraced hysterical bonding and became lovers every time there was a truce from our affair recovery struggle. We had the most intense sex we have had in years. We also had the most meaningful conversations we have had in years during the moments of calm.
While I searched for a place to move, we sat together to have dinner al fresco in our garden. He would prepare a drink for me and we would behave like the best of friends. Suddenly, I would go through the questioning, the whys for him to betray me, the anger, the pain, the emotional flooding and I would move to a different space in the house.
To make the long story short
A summary of our timeline would be,
- One month separated in the house having occasional great sex and conversations followed by emotional flooding and questioning.
- Two months separated in two different places while doing the AffairRecovery.com Surviving Infidelity Bootcamp and seeking professional help individually and together.
- Giving love a chance three months after Dday when I decided to be open to the possibility of starting a new stage in my relationship with the husband who had betrayed me. This might seemed rushed but I wanted to start with this plan ASAP to find out how it would work out, once I came in touch with my true feelings.
- Today, it's been four months since I moved back into our home and only over seven months from Dday. The emotional flooding is less severe and I can sail through it on my own, many times without even talking about it. Just reading my Tweeps helps to remind me that I am not alone and that there is hope. Breathing deeply and being mindful about my reality in the here and now is also a powerful strategy.
How it feels
I have given love a chance. I moved back into our family home because I looked deep into my heart and found love for my husband. Yes, he was unfaithful yet he is no more. I am risking being betrayed again but I am no longer afraid like I was before it happened. I have set the rule clearly: a new betrayal would mean he leaves the home, not me. I can only be sure about MY love for him and I am sticking to that. If it wilts I will act accordingly. While it's alive, I will honour it by giving my husband a chance.We both now know how a divorce would affect our lives: our children, friends, extended family and our finances. We would have to find someone else as a partner in life, someone with a different story, unknown to us.
We are still having great sex, we have embraced rituals like watching a Netflix series together in bed. We cuddle for three minutes every morning before stroking our phones. We are working on creating new memories that will replace the sad ones of the past.
So far, we are doing well. Actually, we are doing great. I am not afraid of sharing it with you or with anyone else because I want to highlight that THERE IS HOPE. If you have had a good marriage and it has been touched by infidelity, you don't have to let that destroy the possibility to create new, happier memories with the person that you love.
Thank you for sharing my journey by reading, commenting and letting other people know about this blog. I hope you can find peace if you have been touched by infidelity. Remember it has nothing to do with you. It is 100% your spouse's choice and it is not justified by anything.
You do have the power to give yourself a chance to love.
Cheers to healing,
Helen.
Your story is a bit similar to mine. I am glad to see I am not alone in my decision to stay and create a new and different marriage then the one we had before. It’s nice to know that although this isn’t a club I wanted to be a part of that I am not alone.
ReplyDeleteThank you for stopping by and reading. Unfortunately the universe of pain is bigger than we wished. No one deserves to be betrayed but it helps to connect with one another. You are definitely not alone. I hope you find your peace soon. We must love ourselves first and find peace. Hugs.
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