Does the pain created by #infidelity get better with time?

The pain inflicted by infidelity has to be experienced to be understood. Anyone watching from the sidelines might think the betrayed is overreacting or clinging on to self-torture by thinking continuously about something that belongs in the past. The "shit happens" reality of life is interpreted in different ways depending on every person's story.

Your Story

You act and react according to your upbringing and also according to inherited preferences and sensitivities. Epigenetics has shown that we are the result of both. The good news is that we can change for the better by healing inherited traumas and living a healthy lifestyle. The challenge is that we are not aware of our ancestors' dark side. Very few families will discuss their shortcomings during gatherings, so most of us live unaware of that aunt or uncle who suffered a mental condition or even an incurable disease. 

Infidelity and culture

The severity with which a spouse's betrayal is measured varies depending on the beliefs of the community we live in. Esther Perel, a couples' therapist who has looked at differences around the globe, explains how it hurts all the same in Paris or New York, but the connotation is different. Some cultures are more open about it and accept that it is not a deal-breaker whereas others attach a huge moral trespass to it. 

Fake hope

One of my Twitter followers did not accept that the chaos and the pain created by infidelity gets better with time. She explicitly wrote that we shouldn't give fake hope to those who have discovered infidelity more recently than us. She disagreed with the statement that "It.Will.Get.Better" with time. That is fine. We are all entitled to a view. There is always a possibility that it will NOT get better but people are looking for hope on Twitter. It was very important for me at six months past DDay to know that there were other Tweeps that had recovered from infidelity and were happily married to the same person YEARS later. Hope is not fake, it is a source of strength to carry on.

Acceptance

Nothing can change the choice of a spouse to cheat. What's done cannot be undone. Time helps the betrayed accept what has happened. I knew my husband could be tempted into having an affair. Working long hours, career-oriented, handsome and charming are only a few of the words that describe Mark. Add midlife crisis and career challenges to the equation, a third party willing to fuck a married executive and there it was. Tough luck. I had to decide what to do. I decided to work on affair recovery. Time helped me heal. I think regardless of the progress or the options for a betrayed spouse, time will lead to ACCEPTING that we were cheated on. It is up to every person to do the work and feel better.

When it doesn't get better

There are chronic conditions, mental problems, clinical depression, addictions, personality disorders and physiological malfunctions that do not allow us to feel happy regardless of infidelity. We would have had to face those even if our spouse wouldn't have cheated. Maybe infidelity acted as a means to become aware of an underlying health problem. Nobody recommends infidelity as a diagnose tool, but - since it happened - we can use it to treat our health issues in the same way we use it for personal growth. This is something too painful to digest and too ironic to accept. If time passes and you are doing your recovery work on your psyche, there might be a physiological underlying problem you haven't spotted. A general medical check-up is probably a good place to start. 

Let's discuss

I maintain my position that the way a betrayed spouse feels Will.Get.Better with time. Even if the unfaithful ran away with the affair partner, time shows us that life goes on, children grow, we get older and we will face health issues at some point. There will be other types of pain as life happens. 

And there will be joys as well. How we feel, provided we are in good health, is entirely up to us and our way of interpreting what happens to us. Do you agree or disagree? Would love to read your thoughts. Drop a line below or on social.