Advice from my divorced friends and Tony Robbins

There are a few messages that have remained as reference points in my mind from the days that followed the discovery of my husband's affair.

I knew I needed a support network of friends who could understand what I was going through, so I called four dear girlfriends who had separated to share my pain with. From day 1 I was open to the possibility of getting over the infidelity and rebuilding a life with my husband. I found encouragement in Esther Perel's approach of "giving yourself a chance with your ex-cheating husband".

All of my girlfriends were also open to the possibility of me remaining in my marriage of over twenty years. Three of the statements I heard from them that I use as references when in doubt are:

1. Once the affair is over, turn the page and start fresh. 
2. Remaining with your husband means keeping your family together.
3. Listen to your heart and do what brings you peace.

These things are easier said than done. I used Tony Robbins technique of breathing into the heart to get in touch with my feelings without all the noise from my brain. Tony explains how negative emotions like anger or disappointment can make the brain send messages of rejection towards your spouse and blur your true feelings. When you place your hand over your heart and breathe for a few seconds, the brain tunes up with the heart and you are able to truly feel. This technique helped me understand that I still loved my husband when I had to make the decision to divorce or to give our marriage a chance. It also helps to separate anger from fear. 

Starting from a blank page is another very difficult challenge. Images of the affair keep hunting you even months after discovery day. I use the image of my friend moving her hands over the table as if she was turning a page and starting from the top of a new page. This visualisation exercise does help me look at the present actions of my husband instead of remaining on the previous page. 

The third reminder is the importance of what forgiveness and giving marriage a chance represent for my children. I am grateful for my husband insisting on pursuing me and standing up for not selling our home. With time, after I moved out and could see the situation from the outside, I realised that my children only knew that house with mum and dad. We had brought them to a life that we had built in a particular way. Our marriage is all they knew. My life is now bound to theirs and it would be more difficult for me to act as a single mum than to give my love for my husband the chance it deserves.

Hope these guidelines help you in times of doubt. Let me know in the comments.