Living again after #infidelity

Dear sibling in pain,

I truly hope you are doing well today. You are important to me and to all your connections in this universe of betrayed spouses. Dr Laurie Nadel's gifts of humility and long-term empathy are applicable beyond the three-year mark past Dday. 

Image by Ana_J from Pixabay

If you have just discovered your spouse has been having an affair, know that you are not alone. There is a whole bunch of us out here. We lick our more or less healed wounds depending on how exposed to triggers these wounds have been during the day. 

Infidelity is not about something you did or didn't do

Please note that the fact that a person you have built a life with decided to have an affair or to hide other things from you, has NOTHING to do with you and it is 100% your partner's responsibility. You were both exposed to the same life challenges during your marriage and only s/he decided to cheat. 

We all have a story that defines how we see the world

There is so much in life that goes untold and unspoken of. We don't even know why we feel or interpret facts around us the way we do. There's so much we are born with, inherited from our ancestors. And then, there is so much that our family, upbringing, society, associations we belong to and even type of profession we're in dictates without us ever questioning or analising it. This is true for BOTH you and your spouse. 

We all lie to ourselves and/or to others

Lying is sometimes being unaware of our own needs. We lie to ourselves about how happy we are and how great life is sometimes. Imagine, if this is true, we are automatically lying to those around us too. Plus, they are interpreting our actions through the lens of their own nature and upbringing. 

There is NOTHING positive about betrayal

I'm with you if those couples in recovery who say that infidelity is "the best that ever happened to them" make you cringe. No one would say that about cancer or any other chronic illness. Betrayal is a very traumatic event with very confusing interpretations. It is one of those life events that we might face like a natural disaster, something we didn't ask for but that we got the winning ticket to experience. With the aggravating fact that our partner DECIDED to stray. It was not the weather or the crust of the Earth that moved, but the person we chose to build our life with...

It is up to US to get up and collect the pieces

We (you and I) have the power to choose between remaining a victim or GROW from this painful circumstance that life has thrown at us. Seek help, go to therapy, get to know you, accept and love yourself unconditionally and understand that romantic love is OVER for you. You will start "morphing" into a wiser you who will recognise where your NEW BOUNDARIES are. Be grateful for having lived the perks of the fairy tale while it lasted. 

Your spouse can grow with you or stay small

If your spouse supports your growth and your healing, there can be a new "marriage" between the two of you. You are both forever changed by the infidelity. S/he will always feel shame about what they did, until they feel they have been redeemed with their behaviour to regain trust over many years of living in this new awareness you are now creating together.  

Trust earns a new meaning

Will you ever be able to trust your spouse again? The truth is that it will NEVER be the same with him/her or with a new partner. You learn through affair recovery that the ONLY person you can trust is yourself, provided you are mentally strong and you have done your own work (therapy). 

A new definition of LOVE

Infidelity shows us that romantic love is just a fantasy. Real love is more like parental love: you are stuck with your partner in a good or bad way, because s/he's become your family. Regardless of whether you stay in the marriage or not, any spouse/partner you spent years with remains an important part of your life. You might have children together or not, but the bond and the role they play/ed in your life is impossible to ignore. 

Acceptance is key to sail beyond infidelity

You must accept yourself with much love. Remember you are an adult now and you cannot blame your past experiences for the extra pain caused by other wounds that re-open after Dday. Once you are compassionate towards yourself and you put new boundaries in place, you will be able to accept your partner's weaknesses too. No one is perfect and s/he might or not be able to stay in your life after affair recovery. 

You will face unprecedented reactions from your ex-unfaithful spouse

This new you will act differently from the one before the affair. Thus, it is natural to expect unprecedented reactions from your spouse or ex. You will probably show them a side of your personality they never had to deal with while you were married pre-affair, because you had agreed to ways that are now unacceptable to you. After their betrayal you can no longer settle.

Plan B

You know after waking up the day past Dday, that life goes on, the Sun rises every morning and your heart hasn't stopped beating. As long as there is life, there is hope. You must do whatever gives you peace to carry on a life with or without your ex-unfaithful partner. It helps to lay out an alternative life plan if you decide or life brings you to a different path from his/hers.

Real time account

I want to thank you for being here, for reading, commenting and sharing my experience. I feel a lot more like living instead of licking my wounds after all this time. A lot of my recovery is thanks to you, my siblings in pain. Knowing that I am not alone in my predicament certainly helps me grow and seek happier moments. We all deserve to be happy. 

I love you for being here. 

Thank you again,

Helen