When the pain-veil blinds us from our own progress

Haven't you felt stuck in a rut of negativity, disappointment and "why me"-s? Sometimes it takes longer than we wished to sail through the low periods. We know that we have progressed on our recovery from infidelity but we just cannot "feel it". The last couple of times that I have been in this dark place, I have identified the pain in me taking over. Here's how I've dealt with it.

While I'm stuck in the rut, my anxiety levels rise to uncontrollable levels. There isn't enough breathing that can make me feel I'm actually allowing the air into my lungs. The flight or fight mode just seems to rule over my body, I cannot think straight, all I want is a big hug from someone who will never betray me. And then I start thinking: who can I call for such a hug? And I realise there's no one who has not been through painful experiences. I am not the only one, "Helen, you should put yourself together and be grateful for what you have". As I tell this to myself, I don't feel any better. On the contrary, I feel worse. 

The time before last, I went to my mentor and, as I recounted to him the source of my anxiety: husband still working with the AP, us feeling more relaxed together now that time has passed (over 10 months from DDay), making plans to create new happy memories with the children this Summer, etc, he pointed out how positive it all was. And yes, it is. And that creates anxiety because I am afraid my husband can relapse if he feels I am secured. This time he could lie better and would be harder for me to catch him. My mentor prescribed spending time together and aiming at feeling in peace. 

Almost two weeks have passed and I felt the same panic attack today after spending four days abroad with husband, just the two of us. Every time he goes back to work after spending quality time with me, I feel insecure, angry at myself for staying in this marriage, betrayed, like a doormat, shitty...

Until I label my pain and acknowledge my pride acting towards revenge and punishment for the ex-unfaithful husband, I cannot breathe normally. I remain in the state of hyperalert and paranoia without being able to control my tears or my desire to let a scream out and feel relief. I even imagine going down and taking my husband with me, just to prevent him from feeling happiness again. It is SO hard to forgive, so hard to appreciate what we actually have together, the special connection, the love. Yes, there is still love but many times I feel like it is extinguishing. I am afraid that I will prefer to live without my husband in my life if I will feel this anxiety by staying with him. 

What can I do if the pain keeps blinding me from our progress? I always tell myself that the pain will still be there even if I give up on the marriage. Once I acknowledge the pain, I start experiencing better feelings, like hope. This podcast via Dr Anna Cabeca with Dr Laurie Nadel, helped me start climbing out of the bottom of the well. In the conversation, Dr Nadel explains how to heal after a disaster. For me, infidelity falls in the category of intentional disaster, one caused by the person we loved and trusted to build our life with. 

In a nutshell, Dr Nadel explains how humility helps us accept that we are not the only ones suffering, patience helps us cope with the fact that the pain is not going away quickly, the heart has its own healing time, long-term support is important, forgiveness happens in fluctuating degrees and the pain makes us grow into a more resilient human being. These are the five gifts she shares with the world. Listen to the podcast here. 

I am so grateful for my Twitter tribe as they provide the long-term support needed to heal from the losses infidelity creates and help me connect with this universe of sorrow that Dr Nadel explains helps us realise that suffering is part of what it is to be human. Healing from losses due to natural disasters takes 3-5 years, so if you feel like you are not doing any progress, ask yourself if it's not the pain talking. If so, acknowledge it, visualise your loving self taking care of your frightened inner child and remember that you have become a stronger person through this disaster caused 100% by your spouse's poor choices. 

I hope I will be able to nourish and forgive myself so that I will be able to forgive my husband. Thank you for joining me on this journey. I hope you found relief in knowing that you are not alone with your pain during the recovery from infidelity. Let us think of brighter and happier days ahead while we enjoy what we have today because we are not going to live forever. 

Much love, 

Helen