Nurture your inner child and remember your spouse's too

My latest anxiety crisis, eight months after DDay, is over. This time the trigger was me wanting more from my (ex-unfaithful) husband. I needed words of acknowledgement about my ability to overcome obvious triggers from an outing we had a couple of weeks earlier.

My frustration grew as I purposely brought up the topic of "us" over the days and he was not responding the way I expected. I openly said Thank You for his positive attitude towards making new loving memories together and he responded with a hug and a kiss. But I wanted words.

Even though I know we are all different and that we should focus on the glass half full, I could still not make my frustration go away after two weeks have passed. It was my inner child who was not satisfied.

You work on yourself and create needs

I have been working on healing myself through Mirror Work, the book by Louise Hay. I have realised that I must love my inner child because I have been scared of not being loved all my life. And I became a people pleaser to avoid being rejected. 

As my adult self nurtures my inner child, she becomes braver and is now capable of expressing specific needs. She was not happy just to cheer herself up for being able to overcome the triggers of infidelity without flooding emotionally. She needed to make it clear that there was a lot of hard work behind her ability to enjoy an evening out with her husband, who is unfaithful no more. 

Last night she found the courage to talk to him and state the facts that she wanted to be acknowledged. And my inner child heard the words she craved. My husband was very aware that I had passed the test with top marks. He just did not spell it out for me. That moment, I realised there is also an inner child in him. 

My husband's inner child also has needs. It is not easy for him to express admiration in words because he never heard them when he was performing amazingly during his childhood. He also pleased the people around him to fit in and be loved. 

You see, in a couple, there are two stories, as Esther Perel puts it. In healing my child, I am creating new needs. I am also able to fulfil those needs. I am growing as a person before my husband's eyes. I hope he will love this new me. I think we are growing together. I am also nourishing his inner child. 

It is a process. Thank you for reading,

H.