Having a good time with friends: soothing or triggery?

Why are we triggered after having a great time out with friends? It seems counterintuitive but it makes sense. Normally, the feeling is one of frustration, anger, despair, wanting to give up, injustice, disregard for ourselves and betrayal- again. Let's see what the possible reasons for this contradiction might be.

We are on the road to recovery from our spouse's infidelity. Months after DDay, we are giving our love for him/her a chance. We want to rebuild our marriage, make it strong and infidelity proof. Our ex-unfaithful spouse has been remorseful, ended the affair and we decide we want to spend some time with common friends. After all, looking into ourselves and into our marriage during the healing process is exhausting mentally, physically and emotionally. We deserve a break every now and then.

Truces are for resting

During the first few months following DDay, I looked forward and enjoyed the dates with my husband. It was only the two of us, as I couldn't bear pretending we were the same couple our friends knew. So the rule was that if our friends didn't know about the affair, we wouldn't meet up with them. 

Obviously, time passes and you have to make up your mind as to whether you will let the friendship wilt or you will make an effort and start socialising again. 

The first few times we went out with friends, who didn't know about the affair, were followed by emotional flooding. Questions like "Why am I doing this?", "I am covering up for him, this is so unfair" and many more would fill my mind and we would feel like we went back weeks or even months on our recovery timeline. 

Truces are for recovering your strength but socialising seemed to be counterproductive. 

It does get better

We insisted on certain outings, after recovering from the crises generated by certain encounters, comments, places and people. Every time, my husband and I would talk about what exactly triggered me and how we could react better to it if there was a next time. I needed lots of acknowledgement and appreciation for not talking about my pain in front of other people. After all, this is an issue between spouses and it only creates awkwardness when shared with acquaintances and friends. 

We did keep our circle of friends to share with small and that was enough to help overcome the pain. At the same time, it made us face the disadvantages of disclosure. There was always tension during our second encounter with them because we knew they would be wondering how we were doing but wouldn't ask for the sake of discretion. That taught me it was better to keep things to myself. Writing was an escape route, my tribe on Twitter has been a lifesaver and talking about my feelings with my husband after every triggering event has taken me to a better place.

What to do

Don't give up on socialising. One of the advantages of giving your marriage a second chance is that you keep your common assets and good friends are one of the most valuable. It is very difficult not to be able to tell everyone the truth about the pain you have been enduring because of your spouse's betrayal. One of my tweeps agreed that maybe this inability to talk about the pain is what triggers the flood of negative emotions after socialising. She added that it might be the same trigger on Mondays when she's back at work. 

We carry on with our lives as if the affair never happened while we are not the same person inside. The effect of the triggers will diminish with time. We are growing, with much pain, and becoming a better and wiser version of ourselves. We are learning how to manage if our spouse is no longer with us. Remember we are not going to live forever. Let's make the most of what we have. 

I hope that focusing on the glass half full will help you feel gratitude for what you already have. Louise Hay affirms that the more you focus on the positives, the more abundance will come your way. If you focus on your progress and your spouse's efforts, you will feel better every day as an individual and as a couple. 

As you heal, socialising will become a more enjoyable activity, almost as enjoyable as it was before the affair. You will start attracting friends that are more in tune with the new you and you will be creating new happy memories with your spouse in this second marriage you are both working on. 

My story

If you are visiting this blog for the first time, the articles of the first eight months after DDay are organised chronologically in my book, Sailing through infidelity. It is available on Amazon on digital or printed format. You can access resources that helped us face the challenges at every stage in the recovery process from the digital version. 

You can follow me on Twitter at @SailingInfidel1 

Thanks for reading, 

Helen