Write it and release it

I cannot stress enough how effective writing is as a means to heal. It works as well for the simple challenges we face while our life is normal, as for the very complicated havoc created by infidelity.

Writing helps you organise your ideas and, then, you start realising there are feelings you were not aware of until you sit in front of a blank page. Imagine you and a new canvas ready to create an image from your place of grief. It is an excellent tool to walk through your pain instead of numbing yourself to it. 

Remember that pain that is not transformed is transmitted. You don't want to make those around you miserable. You want to recover your joy. Remember the day when you believed in love and commitment? Just because your spouse cheated on you, it doesn't mean that you will be mourning forever. Even the most sudden and painful loss, like the loss of a child, can be overcome.

Write regardless of the outcome

Writing works for all possible outcomes after infidelity. 

• Did your spouse leave you? Write. 
• Did you leave? Write. 
• Are you pretending normal? Write. 
• Are you on individual and/or couple therapy? Write. 
• Are you a few months or a few years past DDay? Write. 

Infidelity is a traumatic experience and there are losses you must grieve. Writing is an excellent way to go through the stages of grief: denial, anger, resentment, depression and acceptance. One of the most visited posts on this blog are the letters I wrote to the affair partner and to my husband on a few occasions of frustration, gratitude or triggers. The letter to the OW was a summary of a conversation we had over the phone. It helped me stop recalling that moment over and over in my mind. Once I put it on the blog, shared it with my tribe, got feedback from them and re-read it a few times, I could leave it in the past where it belongs. 

Sharing is daring and it allows for caring

Once I published my story as a book, eight months after DDay, I felt a cycle was completed. I was ready to leave the affair in the past and focus on creating new memories with my committed husband. It wouldn't have been the same if I didn't publish the book. I did so under my pen name and changing names and locations. It took courage to do so and I felt I owed it to myself.

I will forever remember my husband's face when I told him that I had published a book with the title Sailing through Infidelity. It is a homage to my suffering, a present from me to myself. I have found that self-love is the key that opens many doors like compassion, joy and hope. Writing is one way for me to share my story with others who can benefit from it.

I love feeling that I can help even one person find solace in writing, so I spend time crafting this article to put this idea out there. It wouldn't be the same if I didn't hit publish. Just knowing that you are reading helps me get to a better place.

Where I am today

It has been a few days past nine months since DDay and I am far from healed. I still feel angry when I think of the lies, the gaslighting, the betrayal. I no longer feel the need to harm the woman who made the affair possible. Even when she contacts me because she's scared I'll let her husband know about the affair, I feel a blush and then I breathe and carry on with my day. I will not be part of her emotional life support. 

I did tell her that I was writing a book with all the details of the affair. She doesn't know it's under a pen name, so she has to live with the uncertainty that I will tell all any day. 

Husband is connected, present, loving. We have just navigated through a holiday that could have been a trigger and I managed to stay present in the here and now, enjoying that he is fully present rather than being resentful about last year's emotional absence and gaslighting. 

That's great news. I am grateful for all the people who have shared their stories and remind us they are in a better place today than when they discovered the infidelity. I hope you can also find comfort in knowing that if I have healed you can do it too. I send you hope, love and hugs.

Thanks for reading, 

Helen