How probation periods can help recovery after #infidelity

It's been almost ten months since DDay and nine days ago we were facing my most recent meltdown. It was the mildest to date, triggered by him going back to work after being home on leave for over one week. It seems like it was a lifetime away. So many thoughts and emotions rush through my heart and mind during this post-infidelity stage we're in.

I think we get the impression that the emotions calm down with time, but what's really happening is that we get used to this new state of reality. The PTSD is real and it creates a new me, a new us, a new perception of reality.

I don't think I will ever trust again. I will just know that I must enjoy what I have every day and that betrayal is only one possibility I might have to face in my life, like bereavement, anniversaries, award-winning, graduations, weddings and all the other events available out there. Until then, I can only live my reality. I can only trust myself.

Setting time boundaries

Over a month ago I asked my husband to up his game in his commitment to regain my trust. He nodded and he has upped it. That same day I stated clearly to him that I was afraid he could take me for granted once he felt he had secured me in the marriage and cheat again. This time using better lying skills and perhaps under a different affair style. 

I had already explained to him that I didn't know if I could live with this uncertainty forever and dreading holidays that trigger my insecurities. So, I decided that my commitment to the recovery process would be until December 2019, once we lived through three trying periods coming up on the calendar: Easter, Summer and Christmas.

I said he will be "on probation" to see how he could show growth and commitment to our love. And also, for me to test my feelings after these coming months. I said: "In January 2020 we will sit down and decide whether we will continue together or we start planning a separation". 

One of the trials is over

Easter is long gone now, I wasn't triggered by the memories of his gaslighting during Easter 2018. First test passed with top marks. We got distinction. I am so proud of our achievement. Remember it's important to celebrate the victories during affair recovery. Give yourself and your partner all the credit you deserve for going through the challenging conversations and finding ways to grow together as a couple. 

Maybe being aware of the upcoming trigger made me brace and prepare for it. Letting my husband know how the celebrations could bring back painful memories perhaps had the effect Brene Brown describes when you make yourself vulnerable to others. She says shame wilts when it is exposed. Perhaps I felt the shame of my insecurity and by stating it out loud it didn't gain momentum? I don't know, but certainly learning to pinpoint my needs has been key to my recovery. 

My husband has also been expressing his feelings more clearly to me. He asked for encouragement and also exposed his fear to the light. He is afraid I won't be able to forgive him. That has helped me acknowledge to him that I appreciate his improved communication skills and that he must share his frustrations with a trusted confidant. If it's not me, someone else, but this is key for him to avoid getting in the rut that led to the affair. 

My Twitter tribe's input

Members of my Twitter #infidelity tribe have chipped in on how deadlines have helped them in recovery. You can check out the thread:

Blog post idea: setting time frames helps to #MoveOn - after talking about being on probation with my H until end of December this year, and we will decide to stay together or split in January, it’s given me peace and a better perspective of my feelings for him and priorities.

— Helen Tower (@SailingInfidel1) May 18, 2019

One of my Tweeps suggested a time frame with the opposite effect: no constraints for a period of time to stay in the relationship. It seemed out of the question to me at first but then he explained and it made sense. You both commit to remaining in the relationship for one day, one week, one month or one year "no matter what" you express to the other party. In this way, your partner feels more at ease to share with you their true feelings. I like this idea, it balances the rather threatening tone of my deadline to my husband. I will have to point this out to him.

I also found an encouraging case of a couple who have grown together twelve years past DDay. 

I did the same: set a timeframe giving yourself permission 2 walk away with a commitment 2 work on the relationship until then. Then when U getbthere see the thungs that have changed & then set another timeframe. It stops you floundering b’coz it sets boundaries ❤️

— Moira Swindell (@MoiraSwindell) May 18, 2019

I have also grown to realise that not giving our marriage a chance is going to add pain to the pain of the betrayal. The Twitter tribe has helped in that realisation too.

It wouldn’t hurt any less if you left or kicked him out. Quite the opposite, you’d have to face other challenges. Most importantly, you’ll miss the chance to LOVE the man you still love and who is working to win you back .

— Helen Tower (@SailingInfidel1) May 18, 2019

Going forward

I like the peace that defining the present as "Probation" period has given me. I suppose this should be a permanent state. Marriage counsellors recommend choosing to love your partner every single morning.

I suppose we cannot grasp the full meaning of such a true statement when we are newlyweds. We might hear it from older couples during their Wedding speeches but we are still too close to the belief that finding the one is THE achievement, when it is really only the beginning of a whole new challenge.

Children's stories should elaborate on the "They lived happily ever after" ending that usually follows a happy wedding or commitment celebration between two parties. We are responsible for being happy. We must choose happy every single day and it starts with love, yes, the love we should give ourselves first so that we can share our health and energy with those we, then, choose to love.