Deadlines and decisions eight months after DDay
The road to recovery from infidelity has its ups and downs. The best analogy is with a roller coaster. Every day after you have discovered that your spouse of many years, probably the parent of your children, with whom you have built a life, betrayed you by engaging in an affair, is full of triggers that you must face. Even if you run away, you will still face your memories. There is no escaping the post infidelity stress disorder, the PTSD of infidelity.
I am over eight months past DDay, the day of the discovery. I have some decisions to make. I have come a long way and I feel especially relieved after publishing the book that tells my story. My ex-unfaithful husband found out about the book on the eve to my birthday last week. He had been withdrawn and I reacted badly to his withdrawal. It is important to identify your triggers. I know I am affected by him arriving home after a certain time and by not knowing what he is feeling when he seems upset.
In listening to Esther Perel's book, Mating in Captivity, I have realised that the vocalisation of feelings is a female concept. Perel explains how women were so repressed under patriarchy, for so long, that they became experts in relationships. Now we demand meaningful conversations from men who evolved to overcome their feelings by ignoring them and performing in a certain heroic way while hunting or at war. It is simply not possible for someone like my husband, from a lineage of men in the patriarchy who renounced their emotions for the sake of duty, to articulate words of gratitude, admiration or acknowledgement.
My inner child craved love gestures from him in a way that only I could see inside my mind. He is just not that person. He honestly told me that he is "doing his best" and that he couldn't understand what had triggered me after so many days of living our "normal" life. For me "pretending normal" just doesn't cut it, as my Tweep Living Through infidelity points out.
My birthday was a trigger as will be upcoming Christian Easter for us and later on, Christmas. Infidelity sucks, I know it's still early and I have experienced a decrease in the intensity of my emotions about what happened in the past. We are indeed creating new, happier memories by him being present, listening and playing along my initiatives of self-love. He was the best co-host during my small birthday gathering. He joined in celebrating with us.
The problem I saw was that he didn't plan my celebration this year. It triggered a resentment because he didn't plan anything two years ago, for my big 5-0. It wasn't even a topic for discussion. He was at the top of his affair. Affair or not, these occasions have to be organised by me or they are not going to happen in our family.
How can someone who never had a birthday party as a child be able to organise one for the woman for whom he provides? That's how his reptile brain sees me, the wife, the mother of his children. "Of course I celebrate you", he says. I grumble that he just pays the bills and plays along but there's no initiative. He replies with a gesture of defeat.
After our discussions, he confessed he lives in fear. He told me "Even now while I talk to you I am in fear of making a mistake". I understand fear paralyses him. So, back to square one, I must see the glass half full. We are stuck with each other in the life we have built for over twenty years, in the three children we parent together, in the home we share and in love. There is love in our hearts. I can feel that.
I hope the shattered glass of my perception of him will make me see a man that I can still love as much as I love the remains of what it was. I know the love will evolve as we both grow from this experience. Maybe the shattered glass will be replaced by a new one.
In closing, I want to invite you to read Moira Swindell's blog post about realising we must be comfortable with our own self. We are alone always. There is nothing more truthful than that realisation. Being with or without another person will not change who we are. I thought that if I work on being happy in my own skin, I would not want to have a man by my side who is not celebrating me the way I want. I am now working on understanding his language based on deeds rather than words or symbols.
As Moira states, time will tell. The greatest hurdle in this recovering from infidelity is my own ego. My heart still loves him. Lucky us.
I am over eight months past DDay, the day of the discovery. I have some decisions to make. I have come a long way and I feel especially relieved after publishing the book that tells my story. My ex-unfaithful husband found out about the book on the eve to my birthday last week. He had been withdrawn and I reacted badly to his withdrawal. It is important to identify your triggers. I know I am affected by him arriving home after a certain time and by not knowing what he is feeling when he seems upset.
In listening to Esther Perel's book, Mating in Captivity, I have realised that the vocalisation of feelings is a female concept. Perel explains how women were so repressed under patriarchy, for so long, that they became experts in relationships. Now we demand meaningful conversations from men who evolved to overcome their feelings by ignoring them and performing in a certain heroic way while hunting or at war. It is simply not possible for someone like my husband, from a lineage of men in the patriarchy who renounced their emotions for the sake of duty, to articulate words of gratitude, admiration or acknowledgement.
My inner child craved love gestures from him in a way that only I could see inside my mind. He is just not that person. He honestly told me that he is "doing his best" and that he couldn't understand what had triggered me after so many days of living our "normal" life. For me "pretending normal" just doesn't cut it, as my Tweep Living Through infidelity points out.
Birthday thread: I have lived for 52 full years, 24 with my H and 20 as a mother. I am blessed for the benefits and sad that I will have to live with the pain of his betrayal for the rest of my days. Today I told him about the book with our story so far, not because he asked, but— Helen Tower (@SailingInfidel1) April 4, 2019
Decisions as awareness unfolds
I have to learn to accept him as he is or be honest about not wanting to spend the rest of my life with him. I have set a deadline: December 2019. In January 2020 I will see how I feel and decide whether to stay in the marriage or to move on without him.My birthday was a trigger as will be upcoming Christian Easter for us and later on, Christmas. Infidelity sucks, I know it's still early and I have experienced a decrease in the intensity of my emotions about what happened in the past. We are indeed creating new, happier memories by him being present, listening and playing along my initiatives of self-love. He was the best co-host during my small birthday gathering. He joined in celebrating with us.
The problem I saw was that he didn't plan my celebration this year. It triggered a resentment because he didn't plan anything two years ago, for my big 5-0. It wasn't even a topic for discussion. He was at the top of his affair. Affair or not, these occasions have to be organised by me or they are not going to happen in our family.
How can someone who never had a birthday party as a child be able to organise one for the woman for whom he provides? That's how his reptile brain sees me, the wife, the mother of his children. "Of course I celebrate you", he says. I grumble that he just pays the bills and plays along but there's no initiative. He replies with a gesture of defeat.
After our discussions, he confessed he lives in fear. He told me "Even now while I talk to you I am in fear of making a mistake". I understand fear paralyses him. So, back to square one, I must see the glass half full. We are stuck with each other in the life we have built for over twenty years, in the three children we parent together, in the home we share and in love. There is love in our hearts. I can feel that.
I hope the shattered glass of my perception of him will make me see a man that I can still love as much as I love the remains of what it was. I know the love will evolve as we both grow from this experience. Maybe the shattered glass will be replaced by a new one.
In closing, I want to invite you to read Moira Swindell's blog post about realising we must be comfortable with our own self. We are alone always. There is nothing more truthful than that realisation. Being with or without another person will not change who we are. I thought that if I work on being happy in my own skin, I would not want to have a man by my side who is not celebrating me the way I want. I am now working on understanding his language based on deeds rather than words or symbols.
As Moira states, time will tell. The greatest hurdle in this recovering from infidelity is my own ego. My heart still loves him. Lucky us.
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