Seven steps to recovering from a flashback
During the months after confirming that your spouse has betrayed you, you go through a very unstable emotional period that has been compared to PTSD (Post-traumatic stress disorder). This explains how you are NOT in control of your thoughts.
Unfortunately, you might get flashbacks from that conversation that confirmed your suspicions about your spouse having an affair. Then you might have found out that the available third person is someone that you know, or a co-worker of your spouse, a family friend, someone married to a wonderful person or a parent to your kids' friends or whatever other person with an aggravating circumstance that adds pain to the simple betrayal to your marriage. If this happens, the disappointment goes beyond the simple "I was cheated on" and you lose faith in humanity altogether.
Almost four months after I discovered my husband's betrayal with a few of the above aggravating factors, I am being able to sail through my downs with stronger muscles. Today a betrayal scene came into my mind: I was pondering how my husband crossed the line and went in pursuit of his married co-worker. I started to feel emotionally flooded with thoughts of disappointment and anger. "How could he have done this to me?"
I realised this could go further downhill, ruin my whole day or week, or I could DO something to prevent or minimise the flood of negative emotions. I decided to be mindful about the present moment, I remembered my husband's behaviour during the recent months and I recalled the principle that TRUE love is more like parental love than the love we are wired to offer our spouse. I purposely thought: "If my child would have done something seriously wrong over three months ago, would I still be feeling as if he's still doing it today or would I be focusing on his improved behaviour?" - the answer was the latter without a doubt.
It was still not easy to overcome the temptation of being "harder" on my spouse on the grounds that "I would have never betrayed him like that". But I insisted on putting my spouse in the place of one of our sons, for my own sake. I didn't want to miss out on the beauty of the day or on the many things I can feel grateful for in my PRESENT life. I was then ready to change my focus towards the next chore I was planning to do and, just like that, I got out of the anger danger zone.
This is how I got in and out of this "anger loop". I wanted to write down the seven steps as a reminder to myself and as a recipe that might help any betrayed spouse get in touch with reality and away from the flashback trap:
Unfortunately, you might get flashbacks from that conversation that confirmed your suspicions about your spouse having an affair. Then you might have found out that the available third person is someone that you know, or a co-worker of your spouse, a family friend, someone married to a wonderful person or a parent to your kids' friends or whatever other person with an aggravating circumstance that adds pain to the simple betrayal to your marriage. If this happens, the disappointment goes beyond the simple "I was cheated on" and you lose faith in humanity altogether.
Almost four months after I discovered my husband's betrayal with a few of the above aggravating factors, I am being able to sail through my downs with stronger muscles. Today a betrayal scene came into my mind: I was pondering how my husband crossed the line and went in pursuit of his married co-worker. I started to feel emotionally flooded with thoughts of disappointment and anger. "How could he have done this to me?"
I realised this could go further downhill, ruin my whole day or week, or I could DO something to prevent or minimise the flood of negative emotions. I decided to be mindful about the present moment, I remembered my husband's behaviour during the recent months and I recalled the principle that TRUE love is more like parental love than the love we are wired to offer our spouse. I purposely thought: "If my child would have done something seriously wrong over three months ago, would I still be feeling as if he's still doing it today or would I be focusing on his improved behaviour?" - the answer was the latter without a doubt.
It was still not easy to overcome the temptation of being "harder" on my spouse on the grounds that "I would have never betrayed him like that". But I insisted on putting my spouse in the place of one of our sons, for my own sake. I didn't want to miss out on the beauty of the day or on the many things I can feel grateful for in my PRESENT life. I was then ready to change my focus towards the next chore I was planning to do and, just like that, I got out of the anger danger zone.
This is how I got in and out of this "anger loop". I wanted to write down the seven steps as a reminder to myself and as a recipe that might help any betrayed spouse get in touch with reality and away from the flashback trap:
- A betrayal scene comes to mind
- You feel disappointment and anger - realise you're living in the past
- Breathe and look around you to become mindful
- Think of a recent positive interaction with your unfaithful spouse
- Imagine it was your child who did something wrong
- Apply the same level of compassion to your spouse
- Leave the scene in the past by turning the page in your imagination
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