Three realisations that have taken recovery to the next level

The morphing continues as we work on our recovery from infidelity. There are consequences we are facing together as a team. Yes, I am part of a mess I did not ask for but, hey, shit happens. Worse things happen to so many other people as I type this article, so I have to be humble to connect with the universe of pain with acceptance. I learned this from Dr Laurie Nadel, who works with recovery after disasters. Apart from humility, she prescribes patience, empathy, forgiveness and growth to be able to heal from the losses caused by disasters, even intentional ones, like being betrayed by your spouse of more than twenty years.

As I get stronger, I face new challenges. My pride starts talking and I get in a punishment mode. How much more does my ex-unfaithful husband have to do for me to accept that he made a terrible choice and now he wants to make up to me for what he did? Dr Nadel reminds us that forgiving is a fluctuating state of mind, so it is normal to feel only 20% forgiving some days. Tomorrow perhaps the degree of forgiveness in our heart will be 0% or 100%. This has been key in my ability to show compassion to myself. It is Ok to feel that I hate him and the ex-AP, then I remember that I hate what they DID and not them. Still, I'm irrational and rather turn my attention to something else before I start cursing them. 

Here's a thread I wrote on Twitter a few days ago. Just scroll down, I've included all the tweets:

We are sailing through a period of triggers. I go back to disregarding all progress my H has made. My pride wants me to punish him for the affair that ended almost a year ago. It’s my fear of being betrayed again that pushes me to consider divorce. He feels unacknowledged...

— Helen Tower (@SailingInfidel1) June 6, 2019

We are now both frustrated. He is defensive and cannot talk to my pain. I keep disregarding his positive attitudes. His pride also blinds him from my pain. He sees an accuser and I see a liar. Until eventually...

— Helen Tower (@SailingInfidel1) June 6, 2019

I ask him to read between the lines and not take it word by word. Recognize the pain and acknowledge that he caused it and that he’s sorry. Just sit with me and my pain. He got it. And I understood that when he becomes defensive I cannot keep fueling it. So...

— Helen Tower (@SailingInfidel1) June 6, 2019

He must address my pain instead of becoming defensive. I must be more realistic and precise in expressing my pain. Next time, hopefully, one of us will be able to point out to the other that it’s the pain talking and how to address it instead of hurting each other for so long.

— Helen Tower (@SailingInfidel1) June 6, 2019

He went to see our mentor and was able to express his feelings. This seems simple but it’s a huge step forward. We’ve been reinforcing each other’s progress these past two days. Feels good. #affairRecovery

— Helen Tower (@SailingInfidel1) June 8, 2019

These are the three realisations that I feel have taken our recovery to a whole new level:

1. When H gets defensive, I get frustrated and remain irrational. Pain and fear, when unacknowledged, come out as hurtful and dismissing statements. Once my H talks to my pain and stops being defensive, I can start feeling the connection again and fear subsides.
2. H was taught to avoid expressing his feelings. He confessed to me that he cannot let the pain out in any way as I do. This made me realise that this is what makes it so difficult for him to express positive feelings too. 
3. Changing the punishment mind frame to a more nourishing attitude helps both of us. When I focus on the positives, not only do I improve my state of mind, but my H feels that the work he is doing is helping us heal and recover from his affair. 

To the doubters I tell you:

I have been there many times, I am doubter at times myself. I do not want to remain insecure or anxious. I want to feel joy, so I am sharing what I have learned from my latest roller coaster. Dr Nadel points out that this is part of the growth we gain after a disaster. It helps us recover. Of course, we didn't have to be betrayed in order to grow, but we can accept the growth we gain from something that wasn't our choice.