How much compensation is necessary to forgive infidelity?

Love is about giving without expectations. That's the theory. No one can give to others without receiving in return or they will wilt. So, what's with the ancient wisdom? Is it wrong? Or is our interpretation of love questionable?

I have learned that love is not about getting the attention, the presents, the admiration from those around you. Rather, love is about giving without expectations provided the first person on your list is yourself. Once you experience self-love, you can project it onto those around you. We are born loving creatures and then, we comply with the norms to feel accepted. We learn to judge ourselves as we internalise the beliefs of those who bring us up.

As we start judging ourselves, we apply the same standards to others. No self-compassion means we are not capable of being compassionate towards those closest to us. And certainly not towards a cheating partner. If they betray us, we must be compensated in some way. It's only natural, right? We'll see.

I was one of the many who complied with the rules imposed by those around me. I got a degree, got married, had children, worked to earn money, developed a career, gave up the career when given the choice and faced midlife challenges. Apparently, we do this as humans to save ourselves from the frightening experience of aloneness. This is what Erich Fromm, a renowned psychoanalyst, states in his book The Art of Loving.

I was loving the wrong way, which is what most of us do. We love those who commit to us and then, if they break the vows, they must be punished. We might not have the chance to recover with our spouse and save the marriage. Or we might. Either way, we have to forgive. Letting go of anger is a way to free ourselves so that we can find peace and be happy.

As we are grieving the losses brought about by infidelity, we seek compensation in different ways. In my case, I asked for an apology from my husband. I wanted it twice daily first, then I wanted it as a public statement on social media. There were no limits to what I felt I needed to be able to forgive what my husband had done to me.

I also tested him continuously, which is only natural after the complete loss of trust.

Then I fell into a pattern of going into despair and getting out by doing something to bother his affair partner. It would repeat itself less frequently as I started to understand that nothing could change what they did and that seeking compensation did not soothe my pain.

My mentor spelt it out for me very clearly since the first time I went to see him: Love is selfless and you must forgive if you love. When I decided to give MY love for him a chance, I was doing it for me. That was my incentive. We established the safety boundaries and the rules and we have been on the path to recovery for almost five months.

I have relapsed. I have done things to trouble him or her in the last few months. I am not perfect, but it's been two months that I haven't attacked anyone. I am proud of myself. It feels good not having to go down to the level of wickedness to get out of the pain. My wound is healing. It's only been eight months since Dday and I wanted to share with you that there is nothing you can do today to change the past.

The final stage of grief is acceptance. Aim at accepting what happened. Then you can let go and be free. The only way to reach this state is to decide that you don't want to dwell in the past. Seeking compensation is not the answer.

You might accept what happened and feel pain again when you think about it. You will be able to control the pain, sit with it until it decides to move on so that you can continue to enjoy the benefits life offers you today. You have the power to decide that you have sought enough compensation. Whatever you have done cannot be changed. Be compassionate towards yourself and move on to a better place. You are worth it.

Much love,

Helen