From forgiveness to lies and intentions: A useful Twitter conversation
My Tweep Nancy Nap posed a question about forgiveness vs letting go:
The term blurry refers to the confusion they feel when going against their values. Anyone who gets married in the first place is usually doing it to fit in and commit with someone to form a family of their own. The commitment exists in the conscience of the unfaithful but their decision to cheat is not in touch with it.
Limerence during the affair acts as the addictive mechanism that doesn't let them stop. So they start lying to themselves about the depth of the affair and how much it is affecting their family/marriage/commitment.
At the same time, they continue to lie to their betrayed partner so they can keep them in the dark about the affair for as long as possible. This is just to postpone or try to avoid DDay, the day they disclose or are discovered. They don't want to stop the affair because they love the feeling of doing what is forbidden and they don't want to face the hurt they will cause their spouse or SO.
Many times, the unfaithful spouses don't even know they will hurt their partner. They are in a state of being a "naughty kid" who doesn't want to be caught. They avoid the consequences, not necessarily thinking about what those consequences might be.
The reactions described on Nancy's tweet about the unfaithful lying, refer to different kinds of reactions when confronted with the reason why they cheated, why they lied for so long and why they didn't stop. Some cheaters never explain themselves, others make up excuses and others lie. Either way, it never changes their poor choice of betraying their partner.
It is the intention and the clarity about the behaviour that the unfaithful mess up big time. Whether they apologise or not, in my opinion, forgiveness is about understanding that they are doing the best they can, based on their own upbringing and inherited traumas.
As stated in the section FACTS above, there can be no mental fog to be able to hide an affair from a spouse. It is an excuse. Personally, I felt beyond angry when my H said he was "confused" and that's why he kept lying to me, even after I confronted him with my suspicions. Confused? Really?
I have felt the aggravation and the pain. I'm with all betrayed spouses on that. You are right. Nothing justifies the poor choice of risking what you have together by having an affair.
Being right about being deeply offended by the betrayal and lies doesn't mean that you cannot accept that the betrayer was also lying to him or herself. There are so many behaviours we are not able to explain to ourselves. We inherit traumas from our ancestors that we are never aware of. You can blame the state of "mental fog" the unfaithful shields behind, to unawareness of why they are engaging in a behaviour that goes against what they once held dear. It's all that genetic rubbish passed on from our parents' grandparents.
It is similar to when a mother hurts her child by putting him or her down. She is probably transmitting the pain she experienced herself as a daughter when she was put down by her own parents. If you asked her WHY she is harming her own child, she would probably not know what to answer.
That's why we all need therapy. We can all grow into better people. If your unfaithful partner doesn't do the work, it is up to you to decide to let go of what they did that hurt you so much. If you cannot forgive, that's fine. We are all doing our best. I hope, at least, you can let go.
Join us on Twitter @SailingInfidel1 or leave a comment below. Have you been able to let go of the pain caused by a loved one?
What’s the difference between forgiving or just acknowledging they were a shitty person and letting go?It sparked an intense thread of responses and started a conversation about lying when I stated these ideas in my attempt to answer the question.
- "They didn't know better,
- they live in denial (during the affair).
- All is blurred".
The facts
Affairs are based on lies by definition, there is no question about it. The fog is an excuse the unfaithful and/or affair partner use to explain/justify why they cheated and lied. It requires mental sharpness to be able to hide from a spouse an affair for weeks, months or even years. There can be no mental fog to be able to do that.The term blurry refers to the confusion they feel when going against their values. Anyone who gets married in the first place is usually doing it to fit in and commit with someone to form a family of their own. The commitment exists in the conscience of the unfaithful but their decision to cheat is not in touch with it.
Limerence during the affair acts as the addictive mechanism that doesn't let them stop. So they start lying to themselves about the depth of the affair and how much it is affecting their family/marriage/commitment.
At the same time, they continue to lie to their betrayed partner so they can keep them in the dark about the affair for as long as possible. This is just to postpone or try to avoid DDay, the day they disclose or are discovered. They don't want to stop the affair because they love the feeling of doing what is forbidden and they don't want to face the hurt they will cause their spouse or SO.
Many times, the unfaithful spouses don't even know they will hurt their partner. They are in a state of being a "naughty kid" who doesn't want to be caught. They avoid the consequences, not necessarily thinking about what those consequences might be.
The reactions described on Nancy's tweet about the unfaithful lying, refer to different kinds of reactions when confronted with the reason why they cheated, why they lied for so long and why they didn't stop. Some cheaters never explain themselves, others make up excuses and others lie. Either way, it never changes their poor choice of betraying their partner.
Defining forgiveness
I liked Susan Martinez definition about forgiveness vs letting goForgiving is not condoning, excusing, or saying it was ok. It is the acknowledging that it was wrong and letting go of the anger and pain and moving on. It means giving yourself peace. It may or may not involve reconciliation with the offending party.According to this definition, letting go is part of forgiving. I agree that forgiving should follow an apology, as stated by other Tweeps. Otherwise, you can only let go of the anger -when you're ready- for your own sake.
Back to intentions
I stated in my reply to Nancy's question that forgiveness is non-judgemental and letting go of what a "shitty person" did is since the label implies a verdict.
Someone in this particular thread asked about the meaning of forgiveness. In expanding my explanation, I tweeted:
Someone in this particular thread asked about the meaning of forgiveness. In expanding my explanation, I tweeted:
Someone did you wrong. Then you accepted they didn’t know better. So you don’t judge them and let go of resentment. That’s forgiveness.The controversy here came about the phrase "they didn't know better". And this is key in being able to forgive.
It is the intention and the clarity about the behaviour that the unfaithful mess up big time. Whether they apologise or not, in my opinion, forgiveness is about understanding that they are doing the best they can, based on their own upbringing and inherited traumas.
As stated in the section FACTS above, there can be no mental fog to be able to hide an affair from a spouse. It is an excuse. Personally, I felt beyond angry when my H said he was "confused" and that's why he kept lying to me, even after I confronted him with my suspicions. Confused? Really?
I have felt the aggravation and the pain. I'm with all betrayed spouses on that. You are right. Nothing justifies the poor choice of risking what you have together by having an affair.
Being right about being deeply offended by the betrayal and lies doesn't mean that you cannot accept that the betrayer was also lying to him or herself. There are so many behaviours we are not able to explain to ourselves. We inherit traumas from our ancestors that we are never aware of. You can blame the state of "mental fog" the unfaithful shields behind, to unawareness of why they are engaging in a behaviour that goes against what they once held dear. It's all that genetic rubbish passed on from our parents' grandparents.
It is similar to when a mother hurts her child by putting him or her down. She is probably transmitting the pain she experienced herself as a daughter when she was put down by her own parents. If you asked her WHY she is harming her own child, she would probably not know what to answer.
That's why we all need therapy. We can all grow into better people. If your unfaithful partner doesn't do the work, it is up to you to decide to let go of what they did that hurt you so much. If you cannot forgive, that's fine. We are all doing our best. I hope, at least, you can let go.
Join us on Twitter @SailingInfidel1 or leave a comment below. Have you been able to let go of the pain caused by a loved one?
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