Morphing while recovering from infidelity: ten months from Dday

I never imagined how infidelity could show me the meanest and strongest version of myself. Ten months since I discovered my husband had been having an affair for almost two years, admittedly, I am feeling the most secure I have felt ever since. I am certain that there is no right way to sail through infidelity. Staying or leaving, giving love a chance or pleasing your ego is not going to change the past. There is no magic formula to soothe the pain. I never understood my mother’s bellowing when she too found out my father had been having an affair for over a year after 22 years of marriage. I thought she was exaggerating. The scream couldn’t possibly resemble those I have heard from widows at burial services in the Catholic tradition. There had to be something wrong with my mum. 

Yet here I am, almost one year down the road to recovery after discovery and a husband who has completed all the tasks established to be able to rebuild the marriage, and I feel like I am emerging from the cocoon of fear as a completely different me. I don’t know who this new version of me is. I know for sure that I had to be strong, aware, defensive and also forgiving, objective and patient. Mainly with myself. I have learned that it all starts within myself and that the only outcome I can control is what I decide to do every day with what I have.

I have chosen to make the most of my, still young, family, with my youngest child climbing the first steps in primary school. I am giving love a chance. I have expressed clear boundaries to keep the third party unwilling to engage in any personal connection with my husband. And they have both complied. Out of fear? Probably.

So now, I am letting go. I don’t want to spend any energy thinking of the affair partner. And lately, not even monitoring my husband’s activities at work with her. It has been hard, it has definitely changed me. For the better or for the worse, it has made me short tempered having to face pending lawyer extravagant fees. I am tired of the fragility the betrayal imposed on my mental health. I am ready to embrace peace.

I am glad I have set a deadline for revising my relationship with my husband after the end of this year. It has helped me relax in the face of the challenges of the ups and downs that accompany the recovery process. When I’m having a bad day, I know that it will pass and I will be able to focus on the reality of my present rather than dwell on the nightmares of my past.

It is still very scary to let go. I have to run towards the open space and jump from the edge of the cliff trusting that my emerging wings will be strong enough to take me to a safer destination. I have told my ex-unfaithful husband to go on his own to work casual social events that he is invited by his office personnel. I don’t want to be the clingy wife who accompanies him everywhere possible. I am not even interested in spending time with the people who have worked or work with him. That is his tribe.

The problem arose when his tribe became a central part in my suspicions of him having an affair and, then, an eggshell covered territory after Dday. The people around him at work became friends with the AP, who works in a department near their office. I spilt the beans to his office manager, so an awkwardness was created with her. She knows the identity of the AP. They still all work together until further notice. I don’t really want to care anymore. I am tired of the PTSD and the hyperalertness.

I start the last two months of my first year as a betrayed spouse releasing my husband into his work events, willing to work on my insecurities while he is away and fighting the triggers/ghosts of the past. I need to get to know and accept this new me. I just want to be able to smile again. If the bitterness of the betrayal erases the smile from my face, I will have to decide on a different path or on a different attitude. For now, the attitude of recovery is still on with a great degree of assessment as to what my feelings really are. I am afraid the love I had for my husband is transforming into something else too.

We shall see. Time will tell. Infidelity hurts and recovery is not easy. Thank you for your company, for caring and for sharing.

Love,
Helen
@SailingInfidel1