Keep loving the ex-unfaithful while there is love for both of you in your heart

Why do we stay with someone who cheated on us? This question pops up in the mind of the spouse who didn't stray in the face of the marriage challenges. After all, there are two people in the relationship and only one feels entitled to escape to the limerence of an affair.

Recently, one of my Tweeps asked this question and said she feels disgusted for staying. I replied that "you keep loving the bastard (who cheated) until you love the great person in them". There were many responses in an interesting conversation you can see here.

You need a friend, like my Emily, who tells you that you come out a winner for giving yourself a chance to love. If there’s love ❤️ in your heart, you keep loving the bastard until you love the great man in him. #hopeItIsNotTooContradictory

— Helen Tower (@SailingInfidel1) April 15, 2019

In the face of the complexity of recovering from an affair, I have simplified it to two emotions: love and fear. Amongst other things,

• We are afraid of being betrayed again, so we withdraw in order to protect ourselves 
• We get angry because we are afraid of looking like a doormat in front of others
• We feel sad because our ego is hurt since we were not able to prevent the infidelity
• We don't express our feelings or needs because we are afraid to lose what we love

If we replaced fear with love, every single time, whether we are the betrayed or the unfaithful, our recovery would be so much simpler. 

Why do we stay?

I can think of a few reasons:

1. The love in your heart didn't go away after discovering the infidelity
2. Your whole life has been built in partnership with your spouse
3. You probably share children, pets, property, a business with this person
4. He/she is a good person, apart from the infidelity
5. He/she shows remorse and asks for your help to recover from the affair
6. The affair is over as soon as it comes out in the light
7. Your spouse is back after the mental and emotional absence during the affair
8. You missed his/her attention and now you can enjoy it
9. You want to give yourself a chance to benefit from a new, improved version of the person you have loved for years
10. You want to love him/her just because

There is nothing to feel disgusted about. It is your ego speaking, from your mind. Breathe into your heart and synchronise your mind with your feelings. If you love your ex-cheating partner, give YOUR love a chance. It is the best self-love gesture, from you to you. 

If things don't work out in the longer term, you know you did everything you could to save your marriage/relationship. And you will have had time to grow, recover and heal, coming out a stronger and wiser human being, ready for more love with the people who are worthy of it.