What to tell your friend who discovered infidelity

Heartbreak is an unavoidable stage in life. It can start from the time our first "puppy love" decides to hit on our friend and repeat itself as many times as the combo of its ingredients happens to concur in our lives. Chances are that someone you care about or who you spend most of your time with will experience infidelity by their partner. Stay connected with your friend the right way with these tips from a betrayed spouse who has been through the process post-discovery for seven months now.

Basic facts and rules

It is impossible to foresee infidelity and it has NOTHING to do with the betrayed partner. Infidelity is a 100% decision of the unfaithful partner. Anything you believe about infidelity is to be kept to yourself and never shared with your suffering friend. Unless you have gone through infidelity yourself you CANNOT understand the pain. Do not take sides, listening quietly is the best thing to do in case of doubt, do not judge and never suggest to separate or reconcile. This is for your friend to decide.

Infidelity cannot be predicted or prevented. There are great marriages that have been shadowed by infidelity and there are unfulfilling relationships where there is no cheating. The simplest combo for infidelity to happen is a person in a committed relationship who is struggling with issues they might not even be aware of and an available affair partner who is willing to play along. 

What are the ingredients for INFIDELITY to develop?

I like the analogy with the flu: we are always exposed to the germs that cause it and will experience its symptoms to a greater or lesser extent depending on the strength of our immune system. In the case of infidelity: our partner is always surrounded by other people, creating connections with them and living their own experiences based on their own belief system and perceptions. Communication in the couple is the immune system. 

The external factors to the marriage or partnership take several forms, sizes and shapes just as there is variation in the aggressiveness of the flu germs. The secrecy in engaging in activities you wouldn't do in front of your partner is what defines infidelity. There is a variety of possible forbidden acts that give the cheater the erotic chemistry that defines an affair. There are also different levels of entitlement the unfaithful experiences and more or less availability of an affair partner.  

Communication strengthens the marriage so that the needs of both partners can be met within their own relationship. Even with good communication, infidelity can happen, just like a strong immune system and a healthy lifestyle do not ensure that a person will never catch a cold. External factors such as a sudden drop in temperature can trigger the germ attack as much as a sudden death can trigger infidelity. 

What to say as a friend?

Nothing you can tell a person who has just discovered their partner has been lying to them can make them feel better. The most helpful words, after you have done a great deal of listening, are probably "you must do what is best for you/what makes you feel better". This puts the responsibility on the betrayed person and makes them feel heard, their pain acknowledged and they are reminded that the answer is within them.

If they tell you they have done terrible things or they didn't know they could be this mean or that they regret saying or doing something to their cheating partner or the affair partner, just remind them that they were in a lot of pain when they did that. This is a good way for them to be compassionate towards themselves, the first step towards healing. 

After some time has passed, check on them. It is important for them to feel that someone else remembers they are in pain, especially after they have confided in you. A simple "how are you doing? I'm thinking of you and sending love" works wonders. It is a simple and effective way to support your friend who will take a long time to get out of the shock and the rut.

Sure, there will be better moments. Your friend might even organise get-togethers when feeling stronger. Make sure you do attend. Your presence speaks louder than words. 

Awkwardness is normal

Be prepared to meet your friend's unfaithful partner during the times they work on reconciliation. Happy days can be followed by your friend feeling depressed for several days. The process has been described as a yo-yo path, a particular type of ups and downs. You have to be ready to not be judgemental. As long as your friend is safe, stick to the suggestions above. Sometimes a simple reminder that you are thinking of them goes a long way. 

I hope these suggestions are helpful. Let me know in the comments.

Helen