Transfer of Vigilance: the acknowledgement we need even years after betrayal

Thirteen full months have passed since the day I discovered my husband's affair. This past weekend was the first time we could talk about what happened with minimal emotional flooding from me. It is difficult to talk about painful truths. 

"It is difficult to love when you have been betrayed".

(Michelle Parise's podcast Alone: A Love Story).

As Summer comes to an end, a new school year approaches and changes in my husband's job will finally be announced. He will move away from the position and the building where he and the AP connected. But it hasn't happened yet.

After six solid good weeks, during which I focused on our family vacation and seeing my husband arriving early from work, I started to have uninvited thoughts about the affair. For as much as I was focusing on the present, I couldn't avoid thinking of what happened in the past. I considered the possibility that my husband could still be lying or even cheating, just now he was being extra careful. I needed to have another conversation to check on certain issues. 

The frustration of having to start the conversation was one of the factors that made it harder for me to get out of the mood dip. Until it was so obvious that he noticed and was extra attentive, yet didn't say a word. I had to bring it up and answered: "I am upset, my wound hurts", to his simple "How are you?". I suppose I have to give him credit for asking. It is an ice breaker and it's up to me to lay the cards on the table. Sigh. 

He didn't know exactly what to say but he listened. I explained that for no particular reason, I was very upset about the whole affair thing. I asked for an update on her presence during certain meetings. He was understanding of my questions and answered every one of them swiftly. I let the tears out and complained once again about what he did to me and how I didn't trust him or ever will like I did before DDay. 

It had been too long without bringing the issue up in conversation. I don't want the OW in my life but she did play a big role in the most hurtful decision my husband has taken during our marriage: to secretly have sex with her. I want to know that my suffering is acknowledged and appreciated.

In her book, The State of Affairs, Esther Perel talks about “transfer of vigilance”, as identified by Janis Abrahms Spring. As an act of repair, the person who had the affair can take on the role of remembering and holding the affair in awareness, in addition to expressing contrition and being receptive to the pain of their partner.

Transfer of vigilance is what I needed. And I need it monthly, at least. I explained to my husband that a simple "Thank you for being with me" suffices. He says he is afraid to mention anything about the affair because he doesn't want to trigger me. And he is right. There is a 50% chance that I might not want to hear about it at any given time. But then, there are all the other moments when I'm thinking about it but refraining from bringing it up. 

How can he know? It's a tricky one. I understand. But it was a good conversation throughout Friday night and Saturday. During a 24 hour period, we talked about his WHY and he admitted I was right on many observations I had made over the few years when he started to focus elsewhere. 

I reminded him that I am with him because we have three children. If we didn't I would have left him for his betrayal. He seemed surprised so I was glad I clarified that to him. I also said I don't know if I can live with these painful thoughts and him at the same time. I expressed my fear of him straying again and told him I'm working on an exit plan. 

He was hurt. And he said it. We are learning to communicate better: I express my needs clearly and he talks about his feelings. One step at a time. One day at a time. Infidelity sucks. Life goes on.