A few unforeseen consequences of having an affair with a co-worker
If you are in a marriage with someone you love and there is a co-worker who gives you that adrenaline rush you have been missing in your life, beware. Working with someone on a regular basis can lead to an "accidental affair", according to Andrew G. Marshall's definition. This is what happened to my husband, who never meant to jeopardise the family we had built together for over twenty years when he crossed the line with a married female colleague.
You can read our story in scattered articles in this blog or organised chronologically in my book Sailing Through Infidelity or Sailing Beyond Infidelity.
I don't think this entry will prevent anyone from crossing the line but it can help a betrayed spouse understand the level of the mess in which their repented ex-unfaithful spouse found themselves into. It is certainly helping me leave the affair where it belongs: in the every-day-that-passes-by more distant past.
After I heard my ex-cheating husband acknowledge a few important facts about WHY and HOW he got trapped in an affair for so many months, I came to the realisation that the mess he got into was not one he could take himself out of. He needed help to end the affair, not only because the status quo was still giving him shots of pleasure, but also because the initial sweetness was starting to rot.
He got involved with a married woman in a managerial position, with whom he better maintained a good relationship. Once they both crossed the line, and having spoken about their intention never to leave their marriages, who was going to end it first? It would have given them some peace of mind about not being caught, but it would have also sent a message of rejection to the AP.
Mark is a person who prefers not to stir things up. He wouldn't put the effort in risking losing the advantage of the connection with this person at work. I can imagine him weighing the risk of offending the woman by rejecting her. After all, I was at home unaware of their little "fling".
Regarding the AP, if I am completely honest, I suppose she rather played and flirted and stayed enjoying the pleasure of the extra attention and energy (and sex) my husband was giving her than risking hurting a company's executive's ego.
It seemed like the least bad thing they could do was to remain in an affair that "wasn't really an affair", as they both put it to me when I first confronted them separately.
They needed something dramatic, like the wife (aka me) recording them in the sexual act over the phone, so that they had a good reason to split ("as it always was their intention", right!) without misunderstandings that could create awkwardness and inconveniences at work.
Well, let me tell you something. It took me over a year to have the above AHA moment. It might appear like I'm an idiot believing my own lies or that I am delusional but I am trusting my gut feeling here. It's the same gut feeling that shouted at me that my husband was having an affair. And I am backed by the theory of the affair that starts accidentally at work and then continues as a self-medication affair: he had been so good for so many years, he deserved some innocent fun behind my back to escape his misery.
"His misery" is a relative statement. It is subjective and it should have been dealt with by him in partnership with me, the woman he married because he was madly in love with. I am sure that his mid-life crisis felt very real to him because it was a very shitty experience to me too. I can relate. I dealt with it by writing, he went on to have an affair.
I wouldn't be here if we would have communicated properly like we have learned to do during affair recovery. The right thing to do is not to cross the line with a co-worker, like he stated a few weeks ago: "I shouldn't have let it get to that point, there were too many unnecessary socialising outings with co-workers". Yes! Music to my ears.
After DDay, he had to face events at work to which she had declined because she was so scared I would tell her husband if she came near mine. I became such a territorial bitch. My husband ended the affair, she also ended the affair. The affair was double-terminated while I listened to them weeks after DDay.
I informed their boss, six weeks after DDay. The only consequence was their embarrassment. Enough for me. I also informed the person who manages my husband's activities at work when I felt the need not to have her in the dark about the identity of the person. She had become friends with the AP and she must have felt used by my husband and the AP, like I did. They used spouses and work social events as a cover-up for their affair-that-wasn't-really-an-affair.
Looking back, I can better understand why my husband was so drained emotionally. It was not only keeping the secret but also realising that he had gotten himself into an intricated labyrinth that was also uphill. No wonder the same night I played back THE recording to him, he sighed and said: "I am in a way relieved that this is FINALLY out."
You are very welcome, my darling husband. Let's continue creating happy memories together in a bit of a more sombre but wiser marriage.
You can read our story in scattered articles in this blog or organised chronologically in my book Sailing Through Infidelity or Sailing Beyond Infidelity.
I don't think this entry will prevent anyone from crossing the line but it can help a betrayed spouse understand the level of the mess in which their repented ex-unfaithful spouse found themselves into. It is certainly helping me leave the affair where it belongs: in the every-day-that-passes-by more distant past.
After I heard my ex-cheating husband acknowledge a few important facts about WHY and HOW he got trapped in an affair for so many months, I came to the realisation that the mess he got into was not one he could take himself out of. He needed help to end the affair, not only because the status quo was still giving him shots of pleasure, but also because the initial sweetness was starting to rot.
He got involved with a married woman in a managerial position, with whom he better maintained a good relationship. Once they both crossed the line, and having spoken about their intention never to leave their marriages, who was going to end it first? It would have given them some peace of mind about not being caught, but it would have also sent a message of rejection to the AP.
Mark is a person who prefers not to stir things up. He wouldn't put the effort in risking losing the advantage of the connection with this person at work. I can imagine him weighing the risk of offending the woman by rejecting her. After all, I was at home unaware of their little "fling".
Regarding the AP, if I am completely honest, I suppose she rather played and flirted and stayed enjoying the pleasure of the extra attention and energy (and sex) my husband was giving her than risking hurting a company's executive's ego.
It seemed like the least bad thing they could do was to remain in an affair that "wasn't really an affair", as they both put it to me when I first confronted them separately.
They needed something dramatic, like the wife (aka me) recording them in the sexual act over the phone, so that they had a good reason to split ("as it always was their intention", right!) without misunderstandings that could create awkwardness and inconveniences at work.
Well, let me tell you something. It took me over a year to have the above AHA moment. It might appear like I'm an idiot believing my own lies or that I am delusional but I am trusting my gut feeling here. It's the same gut feeling that shouted at me that my husband was having an affair. And I am backed by the theory of the affair that starts accidentally at work and then continues as a self-medication affair: he had been so good for so many years, he deserved some innocent fun behind my back to escape his misery.
"His misery" is a relative statement. It is subjective and it should have been dealt with by him in partnership with me, the woman he married because he was madly in love with. I am sure that his mid-life crisis felt very real to him because it was a very shitty experience to me too. I can relate. I dealt with it by writing, he went on to have an affair.
I wouldn't be here if we would have communicated properly like we have learned to do during affair recovery. The right thing to do is not to cross the line with a co-worker, like he stated a few weeks ago: "I shouldn't have let it get to that point, there were too many unnecessary socialising outings with co-workers". Yes! Music to my ears.
After DDay, he had to face events at work to which she had declined because she was so scared I would tell her husband if she came near mine. I became such a territorial bitch. My husband ended the affair, she also ended the affair. The affair was double-terminated while I listened to them weeks after DDay.
I informed their boss, six weeks after DDay. The only consequence was their embarrassment. Enough for me. I also informed the person who manages my husband's activities at work when I felt the need not to have her in the dark about the identity of the person. She had become friends with the AP and she must have felt used by my husband and the AP, like I did. They used spouses and work social events as a cover-up for their affair-that-wasn't-really-an-affair.
Looking back, I can better understand why my husband was so drained emotionally. It was not only keeping the secret but also realising that he had gotten himself into an intricated labyrinth that was also uphill. No wonder the same night I played back THE recording to him, he sighed and said: "I am in a way relieved that this is FINALLY out."
You are very welcome, my darling husband. Let's continue creating happy memories together in a bit of a more sombre but wiser marriage.
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