Keep walking: in spite of or because of #infidelity?
Anyone touched by infidelity is in pain. Forever. If you think you've healed you're just plain lying to yourself. I am in pain because my father cheated on my mother and brought a half-sibling into this world that I chose to ignore to please my hurt mother. Words like half-sibling shouldn't even exist. And there are worse ones like bastard child, mistress and dishonoured. They were all applied to my ancestors, male or female. Chances are, if you go back one hundred years or less, they were applied to at least one of your ancestors too.
So, let's analyse here: Pain that is not transformed is transmitted, secrets carry energy, genes are passed on already switched on to descendants and that applies to anxiety, fears, traumas and all sorts of feelings (I can't use the word negative but you can imagine the ones we prefer to see/feel less of) like shame, despair, abandonment, guilt.
This is WHY we feel so betrayed when our spouse chooses infidelity over communication. We are carrying our ancestors' traumas too. We grew up believing in marriage or getting together with someone long-term in order to build our own life, tailored for us by us. Our story fused with another story, as the modern thinkers put it. These stories are more than half unknown to both of "us". We inherited traumas we don't know about, family secrets and life-changing experiences that affect the way we feel and the way we react to what happens around us.
What is real? There is the matter that moves and does its own thing all around us; I'm talking Chemistry here: atoms, molecules, energy. And then there is the way our brain processes it all: our perception of that reality.
Without further ado, I'll share my thought of the day: What if we could just remove all unreal expectations from our relationship, the one that caused us pain that we know about most recently? In my case, it would be Mark's affair with the married cunt whore (LTI, 2018). It ended over fifteen months ago. My case is very straight forward and rather low-damage compared to many others that are happening within the same time frame.
Still, it bugs me that I have the certainty that things will never be the same again. I am upset when I think that Mark is getting away with what he did because I am giving him a second chance. He has done everything by the book. Lately, he's not even defensive. He accepts that I should dip in sorrow every so often because my wound is still raw. He acknowledges that what he did was "stupid" and that he is sorry.
I can't help questioning his behaviour all those years back when I was believing the words that came out of his mouth. I consider the possibility that he and the cunt whore are still connecting behind my back and are just being extremely careful this time. All this leads to a tantrum and a conversation and a new agreement to keep moving forward because we are such a great team and we deserve to be happy.
My children are happy when I am happy. They can sense me better than I would like to admit. I suppose we all have that ability and we decide to ignore the gut feeling and the truth of how we're feeling.
I don't know how much effort we should put on working on being happy, feeling peace again. I suppose it has to start by accepting that we were living in a fairy tale. I am truly grateful for mine lasted many years. There was a price to pay as a child and as a wife. I decided to comply with my roles and the system worked in providing the security for me to fulfil motherhood and even being a working mum.
Post-infidelity, I rebel against the old me. I want to binge on TV series and do nothing. Like, what did complying lead to? It didn't prevent infidelity. And then, I think how others don't have the bare minimum and how ungrateful I sound. So I distract myself. I have the luxury to be able to listen to thinkers, motivators, therapists, comedians and whatever my mood craves at a particular moment.
What else do I want? Am I going to give away my husband wrapped on shiny gift paper and a big bow to the first cunt whore who wants to be with him for his assets? Not like he's a millionaire because I suppose those fall on a separate category. Imagine the secrets in those scenarios. There's too much to lose to be honest all the time.
So here's my conclusion: time will pass anyway. And time will tell. So I add those two up and I say, let's keep walking not in spite of but because of infidelity. We were not the first ones and we will not be the last ones. At least, with us, the secret is out, the trauma is healing and the pain is being transformed.
What say you, baby?
So, let's analyse here: Pain that is not transformed is transmitted, secrets carry energy, genes are passed on already switched on to descendants and that applies to anxiety, fears, traumas and all sorts of feelings (I can't use the word negative but you can imagine the ones we prefer to see/feel less of) like shame, despair, abandonment, guilt.
This is WHY we feel so betrayed when our spouse chooses infidelity over communication. We are carrying our ancestors' traumas too. We grew up believing in marriage or getting together with someone long-term in order to build our own life, tailored for us by us. Our story fused with another story, as the modern thinkers put it. These stories are more than half unknown to both of "us". We inherited traumas we don't know about, family secrets and life-changing experiences that affect the way we feel and the way we react to what happens around us.
What is real? There is the matter that moves and does its own thing all around us; I'm talking Chemistry here: atoms, molecules, energy. And then there is the way our brain processes it all: our perception of that reality.
Without further ado, I'll share my thought of the day: What if we could just remove all unreal expectations from our relationship, the one that caused us pain that we know about most recently? In my case, it would be Mark's affair with the married cunt whore (LTI, 2018). It ended over fifteen months ago. My case is very straight forward and rather low-damage compared to many others that are happening within the same time frame.
Still, it bugs me that I have the certainty that things will never be the same again. I am upset when I think that Mark is getting away with what he did because I am giving him a second chance. He has done everything by the book. Lately, he's not even defensive. He accepts that I should dip in sorrow every so often because my wound is still raw. He acknowledges that what he did was "stupid" and that he is sorry.
I can't help questioning his behaviour all those years back when I was believing the words that came out of his mouth. I consider the possibility that he and the cunt whore are still connecting behind my back and are just being extremely careful this time. All this leads to a tantrum and a conversation and a new agreement to keep moving forward because we are such a great team and we deserve to be happy.
My children are happy when I am happy. They can sense me better than I would like to admit. I suppose we all have that ability and we decide to ignore the gut feeling and the truth of how we're feeling.
I don't know how much effort we should put on working on being happy, feeling peace again. I suppose it has to start by accepting that we were living in a fairy tale. I am truly grateful for mine lasted many years. There was a price to pay as a child and as a wife. I decided to comply with my roles and the system worked in providing the security for me to fulfil motherhood and even being a working mum.
Post-infidelity, I rebel against the old me. I want to binge on TV series and do nothing. Like, what did complying lead to? It didn't prevent infidelity. And then, I think how others don't have the bare minimum and how ungrateful I sound. So I distract myself. I have the luxury to be able to listen to thinkers, motivators, therapists, comedians and whatever my mood craves at a particular moment.
What else do I want? Am I going to give away my husband wrapped on shiny gift paper and a big bow to the first cunt whore who wants to be with him for his assets? Not like he's a millionaire because I suppose those fall on a separate category. Imagine the secrets in those scenarios. There's too much to lose to be honest all the time.
So here's my conclusion: time will pass anyway. And time will tell. So I add those two up and I say, let's keep walking not in spite of but because of infidelity. We were not the first ones and we will not be the last ones. At least, with us, the secret is out, the trauma is healing and the pain is being transformed.
What say you, baby?
That's funny. My H's AP is named Cunt Whore too! At least that is It's name in my contacts. It (doesn't deserve the female pronoun) is also referred to as The Pig in conversation. It targeted my marriage, groomed my H for a year, like a pedophile does, befriended him AND me and waited for a low point in my H's life — everyone around us getting divorced, best friends his age dying unexpectedly, him facing his own mortality and me going away on business for only the 2nd time in our married life. This was preceded by his first gf reaching out to him on social media and telling him her marriage is a sham and she should have never let him go. Instead of speaking to me about it, he chose to confide in the Pig. He told It that he would never meet up with his ex gf because he would never want to cheat on me and didn't want to risk anything happening between them...
ReplyDeleteMy 'It" is "Twunt" in my contacts. Thanks for sharing. We can all write a book with our infidelity story. Unfortunately the "third party" is needed for an affair to take place. It would be so simple for them not to obsess over a spouse who is in a long term relationship. Just Do NOT make yourself available to people who are in their mid-life crisis. One day they'll wake up and realise how much they risked and lost.
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