What if s/he never apologizes?

I was listening to Esther Perel's talk to a group of entrepreneurs and then to the first case in her podcast "Where Should We begin?". The podcast episode is about a couple with poor communication skills and Perel walks them towards a more honest conversation. The couple suffered from the husband's infidelity and were working to save their marriage of eleven years and three small children.

As I listened, I went back to my teens, when my parents went through infidelity. The wife was asking Perel the same questions I had asked my therapist in some of the counselling sessions I attended as a consequence of my father's affair. The couple on the podcast had realised they have been influenced by the impositions of patriarchy. The wife pleased the husband because that is what she had learned to do. So many of us are not aware that we learn how to love from our upbringing and that love doesn't just happen naturally but it rather a verb we must master through work.

There are other complications in the podcast, but the bottom line is that I went back in time and thought of my mother. She never received an apology from her unfaithful husband, he never committed to recovery work, he didn't even end the affair when my mother found out. There are many betrayed spouses in the exact same position today. Not much has changed in the way some wayward spouses evade their responsibility for the harm they cause the betrayed.

The difference today with thirty years ago is that the betrayed spouse doesn't have to put up with a confused partner. The simple solution is to separate after discovery. Later on, the couples are left with divorce complications and co-parenting issues to sort out and this can be the least painful solution for all family members. Sometimes there is no choice to make because the cheater runs away and remarries the AP or not. 

My AHA moment today about my mother's case was the understanding of what she did. I finally realised that she wanted to save her marriage and, with an unwilling husband, she went on to change herself. This is the key that Esther Perel talked about today. If you want to change another person you must start by changing yourself. 

If you want to change another person you must start by changing yourself.

My mother went on to have individual therapy and learned about healthy relationships, how to be a better mother and have better communication with everyone. She stopped being the woman waiting for my father to return from work every evening and registered to complete her university degree. She did so at fifty. She found her bubbly self and became a better person. 

My father eventually came back to her. After wandering and roaming, he chose my mother and she took him back because she wanted to grow old with him. It was her choice too. I thought it was something I'd never do. If my husband betrayed me, I'd kick him out immediately. He was warned and yet, he did it. 

Both my father and my husband are good people. They were just broken and ended up being unfaithful. They were not able to communicate their needs during their mid-life crises so they strayed looking for their lost selves. Up to that point they were committed to their wives for over twenty years and were dedicated fathers.

I did kick my husband out of my life after Dday. I set him free to run away with his AP. He ended the affair immediately and promised to fight for our marriage. One of my realisations post-discovery was that the love I felt for him didn't come with a switch I could turn off and, after over a year, I can now see that there is a lot more to my husband than his infidelity. 

I still don't trust him as I once did. I suppose I never will. But I can appreciate his good qualities and the advantages of not having destroyed the life we created together. I must keep my mouth shut so that I don't torture my children the way I was tortured every time my mother would bring up my father's affair, even years later. I hated that and I know my children hate it when I fight with my husband out of anger for what he did. 

I am getting better at controlling my outbursts and making sure I wait until the children cannot hear me if I have something to discuss with my husband. I am also focusing on what is real and not on what happened in the past. I haven't been able to silence in my mind what I heard from that recording that was my key to freedom from his gaslighting. I am still waiting for the day it will become like an old piece of furniture I can just walk by and not pay attention. 

I know from those who have stayed with an ex-unfaithful who shows remorse and places boundaries to help the betrayed recover, that time helps with leaving the affair in the past. It's been only a year and a bit. It will get better as long as we continue to work in creating new memories and writing our own story. 

There is no secret formula. If your partner betrayed you and is not doing the work, there is this possibility of working on yourself and giving them the chance to show remorse and treating you the way you deserve. But don't wait too long. It took my mother thirty years to accept that my father had an affair of three years. It was painful every time she brought it up because he didn't help her to heal, except by being present and letting her unload while he remained quiet. I hated it as a young woman. 

You deserve his/her remorse if you are to work on your marriage. In the meantime, be compassionate towards yourself. If you have been putting up with their shit, forgive yourself for that and start focusing on YOUR healing today. Put boundaries in place if the relationship is not worth it and know that, one day, you too will look at the infidelity as a thing of the past. Create new memories of you with you, or you with your children if you have them. 

If there is no remorse, there is no healthy marriage recovery. You will be better on your own. And you will be just fine.