Enjoying routine after #infidelity and grieving the old self
Once you've experienced the turmoil that discovering infidelity brings to your life, you are ready to enjoy dull days that follow a schedule. Suddenly, picking up from school, driving the children places and just being able to think of shopping and entertainment take on a new meaning.
I have to purposely acknowledge the blessing of being able just to go about my daily routine. It reminds me of the time I stopped working full-time as a teacher and had two children under five. I used to tell my friends that I preferred boring days every now and then than the madness I had been through while working full time and parenting two babies.
Today, those two babies are young adults and my boring moments allowed me to mother a third child who is a tween. This is my reality. I have only a few years left to mother my children in our family home. I feel grateful for having kept it intact after infidelity. I know many betrayed spouses are not given the choice of working for their marriage.
The past two years of my life, my mind has been filled with thoughts about the affair I suspected and then confirmed my husband had. I started to feel in peace for longer periods of time in the past couple of months. It is only getting better for us as a couple and as a family.
Suddenly, the calm scares me. The trauma is not over, the scar is still there. Is there something I'm missing, a strange behaviour, a lie, another secret? I don't want to panic. According to Helen Fisher of the Anatomy of Love, the first stage of bonding lasts a maximum of two years. So it could be that my second marriage with the same person is reaching the end of that initial sex-driven part. I really missed my husband while he was with the AP and I have been enjoying his full presence since he broke it off with her.
We have talked about issues we never talked before the affair. We have adopted routines to better connect with each other. We are two grown-ups who decided to love each other. We are a great team and our children are parented by us simultaneously. This is a BIG thing to feel grateful for.
Now that my husband is not hiding a secret, he has more energy to deal with my pain and to pay attention to the children. He's done an excellent job. I feel less pain and he has even more time to focus on work or just to watch sports or a film on TV. At times it feels like we are living a boring life.
Like when I tasted being a SAHM, I now can say that I prefer boring at times than the uncertainty and the anxiety of not knowing why it felt so weird with my husband before DDay.
I was pondering the acknowledgement we give our dead relatives by holding a memorial at least once a year near the date of their passing. In grieving our past, more innocent, life pre-affair, we could perhaps dedicate some time to remembering what we loved about it that will never ever be again. Then we move on to the realisation that after the illness (the affair), death was the only way to stop the suffering.
Once the affair is discovered, our old self dies and we must strive to rest in peace. This is what my mentor said we should focus on now: finding the necessary peace to face the challenges of life. So far, it's been facing a bit of boredom every now and then. I can live with that.
How about you? How's your recovery going? Are you working to find peace?
Let me know in the comments. I hope my story helps soothe your pain.
Thank you for being part of my tribe,
Helen.
I have to purposely acknowledge the blessing of being able just to go about my daily routine. It reminds me of the time I stopped working full-time as a teacher and had two children under five. I used to tell my friends that I preferred boring days every now and then than the madness I had been through while working full time and parenting two babies.
Today, those two babies are young adults and my boring moments allowed me to mother a third child who is a tween. This is my reality. I have only a few years left to mother my children in our family home. I feel grateful for having kept it intact after infidelity. I know many betrayed spouses are not given the choice of working for their marriage.
The past two years of my life, my mind has been filled with thoughts about the affair I suspected and then confirmed my husband had. I started to feel in peace for longer periods of time in the past couple of months. It is only getting better for us as a couple and as a family.
Suddenly, the calm scares me. The trauma is not over, the scar is still there. Is there something I'm missing, a strange behaviour, a lie, another secret? I don't want to panic. According to Helen Fisher of the Anatomy of Love, the first stage of bonding lasts a maximum of two years. So it could be that my second marriage with the same person is reaching the end of that initial sex-driven part. I really missed my husband while he was with the AP and I have been enjoying his full presence since he broke it off with her.
We have talked about issues we never talked before the affair. We have adopted routines to better connect with each other. We are two grown-ups who decided to love each other. We are a great team and our children are parented by us simultaneously. This is a BIG thing to feel grateful for.
Now that my husband is not hiding a secret, he has more energy to deal with my pain and to pay attention to the children. He's done an excellent job. I feel less pain and he has even more time to focus on work or just to watch sports or a film on TV. At times it feels like we are living a boring life.
Like when I tasted being a SAHM, I now can say that I prefer boring at times than the uncertainty and the anxiety of not knowing why it felt so weird with my husband before DDay.
I was pondering the acknowledgement we give our dead relatives by holding a memorial at least once a year near the date of their passing. In grieving our past, more innocent, life pre-affair, we could perhaps dedicate some time to remembering what we loved about it that will never ever be again. Then we move on to the realisation that after the illness (the affair), death was the only way to stop the suffering.
Once the affair is discovered, our old self dies and we must strive to rest in peace. This is what my mentor said we should focus on now: finding the necessary peace to face the challenges of life. So far, it's been facing a bit of boredom every now and then. I can live with that.
How about you? How's your recovery going? Are you working to find peace?
Let me know in the comments. I hope my story helps soothe your pain.
Thank you for being part of my tribe,
Helen.
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