Infidelity Timeline: Two years and two months ago...
One of my recent connections on Facebook sent me the following message two days ago: "Hi, I just found out your page this week. I'm 8 weeks since Dday and currently trying to work through the pain... I'm wondering how long it's going to take me before I stop thinking about it 24/7".
We all wonder how long. The weirdness of an affair starts with feeling the secret. We start to notice small changes in our spouse yet we are not wired to bet on what our instinct is telling us. We have bought the fairy tale and we believe we got married to "live happily ever after".
All timelines are different, but almost 16 months after Dday, I am finally feeling that I haven't fallen into rock bottom for about four weeks now. I haven't been in a bubbly mood all these days but I have certainly been able to sail through my less extreme ups and downs with a normality that reminds me of my pre-affair days.
I have been forever changed by the affair but it is the way I feel about my life with all the uncertainties that have been revealed post Dday that has improved significantly in the past six months.
There have been three very clear dates that I want to share with you: confronting my husband with my suspicion that he was having an affair, Discovering the affair and today.
You can read the whole story in my books, Sailing through infidelity and Sailing beyond Infidelity. The most recent updates are on this blog until I write the third and last part of the saga, once I feel the boat docks at port.
In the meantime, this is my timeline so far:
October 2017, Nine Months before Discovery: I confronted my husband with my suspicion that he was absent-minded and behaving in a way that suggested he was having an affair. He refused and gave me a list of complaints about my behaviour towards him. So I changed and complied with all the requests that were mainly about giving him attention and affection. Five months later, only four months before Dday, he was more absent-minded and disconnected than ever.
June 2018, almost Two Months before Dday, he was grumpy and got really angry at me over silly behaviour at a party where we were supposed to be having fun with HIS dearest friends from school. It didn't make sense. The more I listened to my instinct, the braver I felt about following him or recording his phone conversations from the car. So I did both and Dday arrived at the end of July 2018.
This whole blog and my two books are about what happened since Dday, so I will move on to the two most recent changes in the way I think about the affair: I started feeling strong again to face life challenges not related to the affair in May 2019, Ten Months after Dday. It doesn't mean it hurt less, it just means it stopped consuming all my energy.
Today, I am at Sixteen Months since Dday and I face the threats related to infidelity without anger. Instead I have the certainty that I have the right to demand information and set boundaries to feel safe. I feel more in control than ever.
Hope this helps. Where are you in your recovery? I will continue to report as time passes by and I experience changes in my psyche.
Lots of love,
H.
We all wonder how long. The weirdness of an affair starts with feeling the secret. We start to notice small changes in our spouse yet we are not wired to bet on what our instinct is telling us. We have bought the fairy tale and we believe we got married to "live happily ever after".
All timelines are different, but almost 16 months after Dday, I am finally feeling that I haven't fallen into rock bottom for about four weeks now. I haven't been in a bubbly mood all these days but I have certainly been able to sail through my less extreme ups and downs with a normality that reminds me of my pre-affair days.
I have been forever changed by the affair but it is the way I feel about my life with all the uncertainties that have been revealed post Dday that has improved significantly in the past six months.
There have been three very clear dates that I want to share with you: confronting my husband with my suspicion that he was having an affair, Discovering the affair and today.
You can read the whole story in my books, Sailing through infidelity and Sailing beyond Infidelity. The most recent updates are on this blog until I write the third and last part of the saga, once I feel the boat docks at port.
In the meantime, this is my timeline so far:
October 2017, Nine Months before Discovery: I confronted my husband with my suspicion that he was absent-minded and behaving in a way that suggested he was having an affair. He refused and gave me a list of complaints about my behaviour towards him. So I changed and complied with all the requests that were mainly about giving him attention and affection. Five months later, only four months before Dday, he was more absent-minded and disconnected than ever.
June 2018, almost Two Months before Dday, he was grumpy and got really angry at me over silly behaviour at a party where we were supposed to be having fun with HIS dearest friends from school. It didn't make sense. The more I listened to my instinct, the braver I felt about following him or recording his phone conversations from the car. So I did both and Dday arrived at the end of July 2018.
This whole blog and my two books are about what happened since Dday, so I will move on to the two most recent changes in the way I think about the affair: I started feeling strong again to face life challenges not related to the affair in May 2019, Ten Months after Dday. It doesn't mean it hurt less, it just means it stopped consuming all my energy.
Today, I am at Sixteen Months since Dday and I face the threats related to infidelity without anger. Instead I have the certainty that I have the right to demand information and set boundaries to feel safe. I feel more in control than ever.
Hope this helps. Where are you in your recovery? I will continue to report as time passes by and I experience changes in my psyche.
Lots of love,
H.
July 2018 affair begins.
ReplyDeleteAugust 2018 I notice changes and make accusations. Begin to write a diary. Gaslighting begins.
September 2018 tell the whore I'm not comfortable with their friendship and to back off. H realizes It is a Whore and breaks it off.
November 2018 It comes back into the picture on and off. More of an EA because I'm watching like a hawk and there is not a lot of opportunity for them to meet. Also, H is battling the addiction inside himself. Doesn't know why he can't stop. H becomes suicidal.
June 2019 Dday
September 2019 Full disclosure.
Good for you for defending your marriage. Your husband was really vulnerable. I hope he'll continue to grow and get strong. You too. Sending strength and love.
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