Live from love and not from fear
I once heard that the opposite of love is not hatred but fear. Where there is fear there's no place for love. It makes sense and today I realised that's how I want to live my life post-infidelity. Once the pain subsides and boundaries have been in place long enough to get used to the new certainty about uncertainty, it is time to enjoy the rest of our lives. Our happily ever after must be renewed every morning.
In what feels like a new stage, at almost 17 months post-Dday, I have stopped rationalising my husband's affair and just accepting the growth that has come out of it. I have become aware of beliefs and fears that I have been holding inside of me that don't make a useful contribution to my well-being. I'm letting them go with the closing decade.
This past decade I became a mother at 42 and was betrayed and gaslit by my husband of twenty years. The truth of his infidelity came out in the light in the Summer of 2018, after a hell couple of years while he was lost from his family including his siblings and his village. That's why I firmly believe that his own parents helped me uncover his perfectly camouflaged affair. From beyond the grave, they helped. I have no doubt about it.
We are now a happier extended family, I have had the most honest and deep conversations with Mark, my ex-unfaithful husband, since I met him back in 1995. My children appreciate it when they see their parents living happily together and, hopefully, they have learned the consequences of lying and deceit in a marriage.
When I was experiencing excruciating pain from Mark's choices and as I felt stuck in the past without hope for new days when the affair wouldn't occupy most of my thoughts, I couldn't believe that the time would come when I could be hopeful and merry again. Well, the time has come. It didn't take 3-5 years. It took a lot less.
Will I relapse? Maybe, but I'm not worried about it. I still feel love in my heart. Like in the darkest hours of the first few months after Dday when I couldn't switch off my love for Mark. And now is pouring out heavily again, even more than at the beginning.
There have been loud and clear love declarations. I remember how a few months ago I couldn't accept what a good friend called a "victory" by me. She said I came out a winner because I was forgiving and was chosen by Mark. I couldn't grasp the meaning of what she said. But I can now.
I always knew I was giving MY love for him a chance. I doubted HIS love for me since I discovered his affair. Today, I know that he loves me.
Maybe loving is truly a decision and he decided to stick to 'us'. He has never given up on 'us'. I have to give him that. I think I will not need to push his buttons or put him to the test by suggesting we separate again. I accept that he has chosen me, 'us', over an affair partner, the Twunt.
We are a great parenting team again, like in the beginning of this challenging experience that can drain any marriage of passion and novelty. Boy, I have learned that sex should be scheduled and that foreplay starts by thinking and talking about it. If you don't do it as a spouse, the married colleague might be willing. After all, they think sexting or talking over the phone from car to car is no affair-affair. It's just 'something foolish' that means nothing and never a threat to their marriages.
Well, it is. Ambiguity at work or with other school parents or during the car rides to afternoon activities can lead to affairs. It all starts by spending time while we're still energetic enough to enjoy an intelligent conversation with a pleasant person. Unfortunately, the pressure imposed by parenting and individual success at work (meaning a paid job) doesn't leave much energy left for our spouses.
Let's not forget that our spouses were once the classmate or the colleague or the sports mate. We know how a new relationship can start. We are all humans and our physiologies are very clear. You spend enjoyable time with someone, you may very well fall for them. Make sure you're spending it with your loving spouse.
If you're spouse cheated on you and is remorseful, be patient, forgiving and practical (clever) about it. Give yourself a chance to rebuild a life with someone you know well and in whom you have invested time, energy and love.
Merry Christmas and a happy 2020,
Helen
In what feels like a new stage, at almost 17 months post-Dday, I have stopped rationalising my husband's affair and just accepting the growth that has come out of it. I have become aware of beliefs and fears that I have been holding inside of me that don't make a useful contribution to my well-being. I'm letting them go with the closing decade.
This past decade I became a mother at 42 and was betrayed and gaslit by my husband of twenty years. The truth of his infidelity came out in the light in the Summer of 2018, after a hell couple of years while he was lost from his family including his siblings and his village. That's why I firmly believe that his own parents helped me uncover his perfectly camouflaged affair. From beyond the grave, they helped. I have no doubt about it.
We are now a happier extended family, I have had the most honest and deep conversations with Mark, my ex-unfaithful husband, since I met him back in 1995. My children appreciate it when they see their parents living happily together and, hopefully, they have learned the consequences of lying and deceit in a marriage.
When I was experiencing excruciating pain from Mark's choices and as I felt stuck in the past without hope for new days when the affair wouldn't occupy most of my thoughts, I couldn't believe that the time would come when I could be hopeful and merry again. Well, the time has come. It didn't take 3-5 years. It took a lot less.
Will I relapse? Maybe, but I'm not worried about it. I still feel love in my heart. Like in the darkest hours of the first few months after Dday when I couldn't switch off my love for Mark. And now is pouring out heavily again, even more than at the beginning.
There have been loud and clear love declarations. I remember how a few months ago I couldn't accept what a good friend called a "victory" by me. She said I came out a winner because I was forgiving and was chosen by Mark. I couldn't grasp the meaning of what she said. But I can now.
I always knew I was giving MY love for him a chance. I doubted HIS love for me since I discovered his affair. Today, I know that he loves me.
Maybe loving is truly a decision and he decided to stick to 'us'. He has never given up on 'us'. I have to give him that. I think I will not need to push his buttons or put him to the test by suggesting we separate again. I accept that he has chosen me, 'us', over an affair partner, the Twunt.
We are a great parenting team again, like in the beginning of this challenging experience that can drain any marriage of passion and novelty. Boy, I have learned that sex should be scheduled and that foreplay starts by thinking and talking about it. If you don't do it as a spouse, the married colleague might be willing. After all, they think sexting or talking over the phone from car to car is no affair-affair. It's just 'something foolish' that means nothing and never a threat to their marriages.
Well, it is. Ambiguity at work or with other school parents or during the car rides to afternoon activities can lead to affairs. It all starts by spending time while we're still energetic enough to enjoy an intelligent conversation with a pleasant person. Unfortunately, the pressure imposed by parenting and individual success at work (meaning a paid job) doesn't leave much energy left for our spouses.
Let's not forget that our spouses were once the classmate or the colleague or the sports mate. We know how a new relationship can start. We are all humans and our physiologies are very clear. You spend enjoyable time with someone, you may very well fall for them. Make sure you're spending it with your loving spouse.
If you're spouse cheated on you and is remorseful, be patient, forgiving and practical (clever) about it. Give yourself a chance to rebuild a life with someone you know well and in whom you have invested time, energy and love.
Merry Christmas and a happy 2020,
Helen
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