A guide for the clueless ex-unfaithful

You have betrayed your spouse. S/he discovered you and you are now working on your marriage. It's been a few months since you stopped lying and you have remained committed to her/him. Suddenly, s/he starts doubting you. You might hear sentences like: `What are your real motives?`, `Are you acting out again?`. Do not panic and read on.

Congratulations for being out of the darkness of living a double life. You now have so much more energy available to fix the mess you got yourself into. You might be overthinking and analysing every move your betrayed spouse makes. S/he has worked very hard trying to make sense of your infidelity and you feel like you're walking on egg shells.

Remember that you feel some degree of relief since the secret is out but your spouse is only at the beginning of their timeline. They have just recently confirmed what was keeping you unavailable to them and the kids, if you have any. You might have gaslighted them for months or years. 

Regardless of the details, being betrayed by the person you built a life with is traumatising, to say the least. You can find many articles on this blog about suffering from PTSD like war veterans and going through the stages of grief, after discovering infidelity. 

If you are working on recovery, you should know that you must give access to your spouse to all your communication devices so that s/he can check whenever they see fit. The day will come when s/he won't need to search anymore. I promise. 

When your recovering spouse expresses anger, mistrust or fear, talk to their pain. You have to be able to read between the lines and see their wounded self in action. Do they attack you? Are they not making much sense? 

Do not take it personally. Even though your stupid choices broke your spouse's heart, s/he might be reacting to the haunting thoughts of you cheating. There is not necessarily something wrong with you NOW. A betrayed spouse's emotions fluctuate in a yo-yo fashion. 

Just imagine for a moment that your spouse did to you what you did to them. Really put yourself in their shoes and imagine how you'd feel. Isn't it possible that s/he might be feeling like an idiot for staying in the marriage after your betrayal? How would you feel if you would have been the betrayed? Doesn't it make sense now how s/he thinks you're still acting out? 

When your betrayed spouse cannot see you, they can be easily triggered by your mere absence. Why? Because you lied, remember?

That business trip, the dinner with a client, the summit, the conference out of town. Life goes on but never, ever will it be the same for the betrayed. They trusted you for years, and now? How do you think they might be feeling? 

What can you do?

1. Send pictures
2. Drop a line, like

• Just landed
• Thinking of you
• Hope you're well
• You never deserved to be hurt like I did. I'm so sorry I caused you so much pain

3. Keep reassuring them. Give him/her a couple of years (yes, years) to still doubt you

4. Reconstruct the timeline with receipts, photos or messages

5. Never become defensive

6. Surprise phone calls for no reason are wonderful

You are very welcome.

Make your betrayed spouse a little happier today. 

Reread this article and the ones linked to it. 

Say something nice to him/her NOW.

Cheers to healing, 

Helen