A crossroads in affair recovery three years past DDay

Thank you so much for reading my story of recovery from infidelity. I appreciate your time and energy more than you can imagine. I know that if you're here is because infidelity has touched your life in some way and it is a painful experience. A community of empaths who read each other's stories is a big help to keep walking (or sailing).

On this post I want to focus on the topics that came up during my latest conversation with husband. In the previous post I focused on the feelings, now let's look at the facts.

• Once trust is shattered, your will always be guarded in ways you never thought you would be from those you love
• The pain of infidelity brings out wounds from the past you remember and the unknown past you have inherited
• There are beliefs we aren't even aware of in our systems, both the spouses' and the third parties'
• We don't know how to articulate some of our needs, so we use anger to disguise our fear of losing the people we love when we express what we need
• Infidelity changes both spouses, the betrayed and the betrayer
• Infidelity ends with a shared secret that carries energy and gravitates over the marriage like a dark cloud
• Personal growth comes with new boundaries that you never know if the other party will accept
• It is sad to wake up from the "happily ever after" to the "happily EVEN after"
• The label of betrayed is tattooed on our forehead as infidelity is for real
• Triggers lose their power as they detonate more often

Trust

Infidelity teaches us that the only person we can trust is ourselves. This is a very sad realisation that comes from affair recovery. I remember asking many times in despair, how can I ever trust again after such betrayal? And my dear siblings in pain wisely reminded me that I had to take care of myself to become strong. 

Recovering from infidelity makes us grow up. In my case, I had remained childish in many ways. I thought that if I committed 200% to my marriage, all my life would be what I always wanted. And it was, in many ways, for twenty years. I suppose it's a good ride, relatively speaking. But then, even THE ONE that I was so fortunate to meet back in college, betrayed me. 

I remember thinking how I decided to get married so I could rely on someone and not do all the adulting alone. Well, I wasn't too happy realising that I have to be alone at some point and that I had to train those muscles to be able to stand up by and for myself. 

Old wounds

The pain of infidelity shakes our whole emotional world. In my case, I realised I had resentments I wasn't aware of. They were old grudges that were latent and came out immediately after DDay. 

Three years later, I am still discovering wounds that explain the way I approach life. Some of those wounds I am not aware of but I have learned to recognise certain beliefs related to ancient experiences from my ancestors. 

Subconscious beliefs

The sole presence of my husband in the house switches on a bunch of behaviours in me that cause stress. I realised this only recently, when he went away for a few days to a place that didn't trigger me at all. I could focus on how I felt when he was out of my life and it was so peaceful and relaxed, I decided that is how I want my life to be from now on. 

In my case, it has to do with how I saw my mother treat my father. Even if you decided growing up, you'll do everything different, your brain is telling you how it "should be" and you end up struggling with the old beliefs even when you're not aware of it. 

Articulating needs

I had a great session while talking to husband about how he feels when he sees the ex-ap. I wanted one word about his feeling. I had to repeat the question "how do YOU FEEL when you see her shining at work?" three times until he went from talking about a rational way of expressing her job position to how he actually feels. When he said: "I feel scared, that's how I feel. You made me label my emotion, that feels good" and he smiled in relief. 

It felt really good for me to hear him articulate how he feels because for three years it had been all rationalising the reality but no sharing of emotions beside shame and regret. 

In my case, I am learning to make sure that husband listens to my needs. If I must repeat it ten times, I do, pointing out that I don't need a logical explanation to settle for something different, I need what I need and I can't compromise on certain things. My needs don't always need to make sense. I feel what I feel and I will express how I want things, provided they are doable, of course. 

The new us

After infidelity, there is a new me, a new him and a new us. The pain, the exposure and the realisation or knowledge of ourselves we gain from it, changes us forever. 

My husband made a confession that meant the world to me: He stated how he considered how ex-ap could NEVER BE TRUSTED as a wife. This was a few weeks past DDay, when I had moved out of the house. Given that he was still immersed in "affair fog", this was a big realisation that probably led him to pursue me non-stop.

I learned that there is life beyond infidelity. You can find accounts of my own growth in all of this blog and my podcast and books. No need to summarise that here. 

The secret

I find this a challenging part of giving my marriage a second chance. Some days, I feel that I am carrying the secret on my own. Bringing up the affair is a bitter experience so not suitable for social gatherings or even relaxing afternoons at home. However, it would help is there was some acknowledgement that we are happy "even though" my husband betrayed me with a co-worker for a period of time. 

It is difficult to time it properly or to find a best way to articulate it. Some days I would prefer not to bring it up, so I just need to let it out when I feel like it, alone with my husband and with a warning for him to remember that there is not necessarily one particular trigger that needs to be avoided, just a particular need to bring it up. 

New boundaries

There are situations I could overlook before DDay that I can no longer put up with. The new me who was forced to become stronger has new requests from this partnership of two called marriage. They are non-negotiable and will have to be met or I will not be able to remain in the partnership. They might not make much sense to my husband but they are real.

Happily EVEN after

Love will never be the same after infidelity. Not even if you find a new life partner. The fairy tale is shattered forever past DDay. The most horrible betrayal did happen to you and it will never go away, you're forever the betrayed spouse. 

Tattoo

The label, betrayed, is tattooed. Can it be removed? I suppose with time and work it can fade away but it will always be part of our story. There's nothing that can be done to change the past. Affairs happen for real, we only learn to live with this notion. 

Triggers

My husband said: "I have realised that the triggers lose power as we face them more often". I asked him kindly not to look for chances to face them. If I don't face them, they can't go off. So we just deal with the triggers as they come. It is good to know that they lose their power as we face them more often. Just let them be and act accordingly. There are situations that don't trigger me so often anymore. 

Your turn

Did I miss something? If you have anything to share, even a thought, just drop a comment. It is always great to hear from you. 

Love,

H.