How to keep going in a marriage touched by infidelity

What's the story you are telling yourself? 

This is the question that has been helping me to remain aware of my thoughts as life goes on past Covid-19, past losses and joys and past infidelity. The latter is not at the top of my list anymore. It has been three years since I decided to give my marriage a second chance, after separating from my husband who had an affair with a married co-worker during 2017 and part of 2018. 

Three and a half years past Dday, the approaching end-of-year celebrations will be my fourth season since the grenade explosion infidelity represented in my life. When I look at pictures of the moments we have experienced since then, I can see how different I feel today compared to how I felt then and as I got where I am in the present. 

The way I feel has changed, I have evolved into a new me. Still, every day, the bitterness of the betrayal is present. I don't think it will ever disappear because our brains are too clever to completely let the guard down. Experiences shape us and we have to look at ourselves from the outside and give us acceptance, love and compassion. 

Current situation

Today I asked my husband, openly, how he had sent some photos to a lady who works with him. I wanted to check how they communicate and it wasn't in his Sent folder from his e-mail. He traced his process on his phone in front of me and remembered he had sent them via text message instead. 

This was quite the awkward moment for both of us. I don't like to be seen as this insecure person who has to check her husband's moves and he probably doesn't like to be checked upon either. But he was very gracious about it. He didn't comment after answering my questions. And neither did I. We both remained calm and carried along with the normal morning routine.

I decided I would think about whether or not to bring it up at a later moment when we are both over the adrenaline rush during the awkward moment. 

How to keep going

This is my current second marriage with the same person. What do I tell myself about it? Do I get stuck in the victim role and dwell on how unfair having him back is? Or do I look at the ways in which I like my life with him? I have a choice every single morning. So far, I have gone many times down the victim slippery slope. It happens less frequently as time passes by. And I have also been purposely choosing to look at the positives, the glass half-full, of having stayed. 

We have a choice every day. It is ok to let our pain loose sometimes, but we can choose not to let it take over our life. It was my choice not to discuss his thinking process while he answered my questions calmly today. I could have assumed he did it because he is a better liar now and he needs to convince me he is being loyal. But I have decided to ask him about it later when he's back from work. 

Could he be lying again? Yes. 

Is this the story I'm telling myself? I choose not to. I only thought about it so I can communicate it to those who are still trying to understand. 

One thing I have realised is that "happy couples" are a myth. Those who are happy are telling themselves a happy story about their lives. 

You can choose to live in the moment, aware of what is around you, regardless of what your ex-unfaithful is doing when you're not looking. 

You can be very attentive at the way he treats YOU when you are together. And how you like the life you are in. And that's it. Really. That's it. 

One day at the time.

Where are you at your recovery process today? Care to share?

Lots of love,

Helen