When should you give a remorseful cheater a chance?

Today I was thinking about the advantages of having given my ex-unfaithful husband a chance. He was remorseful and started pursuing me the day I discovered his affair with a married co-worker. He never gave up on me since Dday and it has been almost three and a half years that I feel the respected wife, unique lover, best friend and co-parent of three in a way that was never there before. 

Don't get me wrong, infidelity sucks. There is NOTHING good about it. It is a traumatic experience no one looks forward to. But when it hits home, it's like a hurricane. It breaks trust, shatters your self-confidence and ruins all your memories. 

What do you do with all the mess? You can dwell on it for a while, cry and react with anger and do all the wrong things, like -metaphorically- cutting yourself with the spiky pieces of shattered trust by exposing the cheater you might get together again with. Then, you get tired of being angry and you decide to start collecting the pieces and build the life you want, under the circumstances. 

This is a long process. It takes between three to five years. We think it's too long at the beginning because we cannot stop thinking about the betrayal at any point in time. Infidelity robs you of your focus and takes job performance to an unprecedented minimum. 

Not every unfaithful spouse must be given a second chance. You should only consider it if:

• the affair stops immediately 
• there will be no contact between your spouse and the affair partner
• your spouse is remorseful, empathetic towards your pain and responds to all your questions
• s/he should be willing to get on board some type of structured therapy to start the recovery, an expert third party is a must for conflict resolution
• your well-being is guaranteed
• your spouse is fully present when with you and gives you a sense of security you never felt before
• you still want to be with this person
• s/he is supportive of whatever actions contribute to your recovery
• you are better with him/her than without

Growing older is challenging, life is challenging. Be compassionate towards yourself when you do all the "wrong" things according to the protocols in place because the pain is unbearable. When you are unsure as to how to feel better, love yourself by doing something you enjoy and by accepting exactly where you are in that moment. 

If your spouse is a decent human being and you love him/her, give YOURSELF a chance with them. Time will pass any way. You will know a few years down the road if you did the right thing or not. 

When the best option is to separate, you will be healed from the initial pain and disappointment and you will be able to think more rationally to plan a future without your spouse. You will find love again once you have healed from infidelity. You will become a stronger and wiser person, able to experience joy every single day of your life. 

Today, I am grateful for my decision, for my husband's remorse and for him never giving up on us. I have a plan B in place for a life without him and it feels great, for the first time since DDay. And I haven't been down misery lane for what was, that is no more, in a very long time. 

I am now a person who lives in the present and focuses on what fulfills her. Infidelity taught me to put myself first so that I can be pleasant to be with. And I have been attracting people who resonate with my new vibe. 

If I did it, you can do it too. You deserve to be happy. Please take care, do the best with what you have and know that there is hope for better days ahead.

Keep walking. One day at a time.

Much love,

Helen