Monday I'm in love

Last week I recorded a podcast episode for marriage therapist Andrew G. Marshall about recovering from Infidelity. It will be aired in mid-January 2022 and I'm looking forward to listening to it since there were a few interesting "Aha!" moments for me. 

One of these moments was when Andrew asked me to define LOVE after my experience with infidelity. I decided to answer that it is a work in progress. I mentioned that I went back to basics by reading Erich Fromm's book, The Art of Loving. Fromm presents different types of love and I better related to the type of romantic love that can be experienced virtually through songs, movies or plays. 

I like this option because it corresponds to the way I love and it does not require my husband to respond to it. He does not have to say the words he finds so difficult to articulate. He is more of an 'acts of service' kind of lover.

Fromm's concept ties nicely to the way marriage therapist Esther Perel explains how today we expect one person to give us security and adventure which are opposites, and a lot of other things an entire village used to provide in the previous societal models. 

I have relaxed so much more since I decided that I will focus on myself and my needs without requiring my husband to do specific things for me, provided, of course, there is no deceit. I am now organising a lot more fun activities that I enjoy without feeling that I have to wait for him to join in.

By allowing him to be and to love the way he is equipped to, I can receive his acts of service and I can fill my need to listen to pretty words via songs, poems or stories. I have defined my need, I have articulated it, he has done his best and I have now found a way to fulfill my romantic side. 

So my heart is content, I can even feel butterflies in my stomach. They are not triggered my my own husband's words because THEY DON'T HAVE TO be. I can cover that need using resources that are available to all of us. 

Today is Monday and this song came to mind: 

Have you considered looking to cover certain love needs outside your marriage? Consider that there are many types of love: unconditional love, rewarding love, romantic love...

It is important to realise you don't have to have an affair with a person who can cover such need, you can become that person and take responsibility for giving yourself what you long for. 

Let me know what you think in the comments below or on social media. Connect with me on Twitter and/or Instagram. I'm also on Facebook: Helen Tower, infidelity survivor. 

Lots of love,

Helen