Is it possible to love romantically after #infidelity?

As the northern hemisphere approaches spring 2022, with the cloud of war in the horizon, I dare to share an AHA moment about loss, grief and love. I have been mourning romantic love as an utopian concept that exists only in stories and, perhaps, in some lucky couples who experience it until death do them part. 

On the way to four years past Dday this coming July, I have remarried my ex-unfaithful husband and now the honeymoon period is over. Like with all post-chaos shifts, we have found a new place in the world post-betrayal. It seems like he internalized that there’s no focusing on another that will not affect us and I have learned so many things I have shared on this blog. 

The reality is that I have been wondering if I am not settling, if I’m being lazy in staying in this marriage, even if it’s a second one and if the bases on which it stands are different than before.

I am not the same person who chose to marry him. I was pleasing a lot. More than I am now. I understood that I carry fear with me that made me live my life around my husband’s by choice. I now have spoken up for my needs, the ones I put aside for the sake of commitment, and he listened. 

In this new definition of “real love” I’ve been working on, it seems like I am now living the grown-up kind of love. Yet my heart yearns for the butterflies in the stomach. I know it sounds stupid for a person in her mid-fifties, but I’m brutally honest in this blog.

I have been feeling sad for my loss, the loss of the fairy tale being possible. Yet we are still today bombarded with stories of happy endings, reunions of past lovers and hopes of happily ever afters. Can we not hope for one for us? Do we need to be so pragmatic that it makes us cynical and bitter?

Thanks to marriage therapists like Andrew G Marshall and Esther Perel, and physicians who remind us to be mindful and happy, like Dr Chatterjee, I have realized that I can reconcile my romantic preference for loving in my current marriage.

Last night I embraced eroticism. It was a decision to have a nice time and be playful since my libido had been low and I have felt disconnected from husband these past few weeks. It’s the same longing for joy that helped me get out of the role of victim after the affair. 

Andrew reminded me of loss and grief as part of life and Esther resurfaced her key question “when are you more drawn to your partner?”. That’s why we should always be connected to our mentors, always. 

Since eroticism needs distance, I thought it was a good thing that I had felt disconnected from H, I was now ready to “cross the bridge”. I decided to have a good time. It’s incredible how much I sabotage myself by not having a good time when we go out. Outings are golden opportunities for flirting with everyone, in the good sense of the term. 

Life is not perfect and we have to make the most of what we have. This potential war and already unjustified losses of lives in Ukraine, is a huge reminder of how fortunate we are to live in peace, with all our basic needs covered and surrounded by pure love of pets and children. 

Let’s not forget that by loving ourselves first, we can then enjoy our loved ones, including romantic pockets of love with our partner. 

I am happier after realizing that, as it is possible to sail beyond infidelity, it is also possible to love romantically in spite of it, even if it’s in an intermittent fashion.

What “say you?”

Thanks for joining me in this journey and for the encouraging words that keep me sharing my experiences with you.

Lots of love,

Helen