A few liberating reminders after #infidelity

Infidelity is such a draining event in anyone's life. We all react to it in different ways. I always admired those who can pretend it is not happening, when it IS. 

In this blog, I have shared my experience in hope that it will make others not feel so alone in their predicament. Maybe someone who cannot share otherwise will read these lines and feel the courage needed to sail through and beyond the betrayal of a spouse or long-term partner. 

I keep updating the blog because I could not believe that I could ever feel happy again after the life I had built with my husband and that I had committed to got a completely different feeling to it. I ran away, I punched my unfaithful spouse, I called the affair partner names and I enjoyed threatening her with telling her husband. I did all of that and it didn't take away my pain. 

Infidelity showed me that I had to grow up. In my case, I had lived in fear all my life and was a pleaser by default. I wanted to please so I could be loved. Other people are born warriors and feel they have to fight all there lives. We are all born with a different inherited attitude that was adopted by our ancestors as defense mechanisms to the challenges they faced. 

There is so much happening in our psyche that we are not aware of. We must "do the work" to be able to stand on our own two feet after having lived decades leaning on a life-partner. I mourned the "happily ever after" I didn't get. My husband had an affair with a married co-worker and I wanted to take back all the things I had put up with for the sake of our life together. 

Time is not something we can travel back into. The past stays there and we must live with our current age, body, physical abilities and health status. 

Today I looked at a photo of a very young lady who is graduating from University. In my recent past, I had been afraid that these kind of women can attract my husband's attention and that could lead to an affair. Yes, this is true. And today was different for me. I thought, yes, she is attractive in many ways as I once was. I am young no more and I have accumulated experience and wisdom. There is nothing I can do to prevent my husband from feeling attracted towards women like these. And that's fine.

Thankfully, I now know better than being afraid. I know that the Sun will rise every morning regardless of my husband's decisions. I know that I am happy being the loving wife I can be and that my attitude will not determine his behaviour. What he will do is his own decision, regardless of my efforts to please him. So I am a pleaser no more. I love in the way I feel love, knowing that, if he choses to go, he is free to do so. 

I am no longer anxious about younger, clever, prettier women being around my husband. I am finally free. And I believe I have freed all my female ancestors who were also born afraid of not being loved. It is as simple as assuming that you have no control over your spouse's actions, thoughts or feelings. 

Standing on my own two feet has been liberating. It has helped me come to terms with the fact that there is no happy ending to my marriage. It is flawed and I still choose to stay every day that I see commitment, love and care from this man I married so many years ago. He enjoys his time with me and with our family in ways he never did before. 

In seeing the suffering he caused he woke up from a state of automated role he had been playing. There is still a lot for him to realise, but I am aware of what his beliefs are and how they interact with my beliefs. We keep growing together and we are happy. 

I have learned not to take life so seriously, not so personally. Every person is doing the best they can, even annoying APs. They don't know better and they don't do it to you. They just live their lives in whatever way they are able to, even if they cause suffering. They believe their own lies, you will never convince them otherwise.

I wanted to focus on a few key ingredients to share that have helped me reach this state of freedom post infidelity. Instead, I will write a list of realisations that I must keep reminding myself to remain in peace: 

• You cannot control the way other people behave
• Shit happens
• There are other causes of suffering in the world besides infidelity
• You are not the first perfect spouse to be betrayed
• It is not about you, it is never about you
• Acceptance is key
• You can count on you
• Trust that everyday you can do better
• Compassion towards yourself will help you accept others' flaws
• Affair partners are attention seekers, don't comply
• Separation is needed in some cases but it is not the solution, you still have to do the work
• The pain will not go away in a year or two, you need at least four years 
• One day you will start to appreciate the joy of simply being alive and healthy
• It does get easier with time