I can finally define LOVE again and feel happy about it

I am one of those wives who was betrayed after over twenty years of marriage. My journey is documented in this blog and my books were written in hope that they can help anyone going through infidelity. You can listen to me reading them as podcast episodes (free "audiobooks").

It's taken me four months to write another blog post because there wasn't anything different to share with recovering betrayed spouses or partners. Until this morning when I listened to Andrew G. Marshall's latest podcast episode about Compassion. 

What moved me to listen were some of the highlights from the episode, mainly how compassion is not a sign of weakness and why self-compassion is so important. 

I have read many books and listened to experts on recovering from infidelity since I discovered my husband's affair almost five years ago (!). There isn't much more I can learn about the traumatic effect of the experience, the thoughts, the patterns and how to feel better, happier and fulfilled after being betrayed by the person to whom you committed to build a LIFE with. 

I loved how Prof. Paul Gilbert talks about grief and repressed anger and what that means. Also, how being compassionate about the way in which we react to misconceptions we learn as children (aka living happily ever after) can free us from resentments that will just make us miserable. 

The whole talk  made me figure out what Andrew himself asked me during the episode in his podcast where I was invited: "What have I learned about what love is?". I replied to him then that I was still figuring it out. And today, finally, I have an answer.

Love is the ability to give a remorseful person a second chance to prove themselves as to what it is that they want to prove. 

In my case, my husband stopped the affair immediately, we sought help and he followed the necessary steps to make me feel safe. He hasn't stopped a single day since then. 

The recovery has made me grow as a person. I went from being an insecure pleaser to a person who articulates her needs in a clear and objective manner. It has made me a better mother and a better wife. Infidelity is a very PAINFUL way of growing as a person but you must decide what to do about it. My acknowledgement about my personal growth as a consequence of betrayal does not justify the means. 

Apart from what I shared with Andrew during our talk on his podcast, I realised today that I am no longer sad for the loss of the belief about happy endings, the fairy tale way. I now know that there are unavoidable events in life like ageing and death and that we are not prepared well to face them. So, we need to be compassionate with ourselves and do things that bring us joy. 

I started doing that from when I suspected there was a betrayal in my marriage. Engaging in simple activities that I could control and that were pleasurable, just to remind me that I could still smile and feel joy, was key to recover from infidelity. And Prof. Gilbert recommends it as a means to train our Vagus nerve for well-being. 

Another leading remark to my aha moment this morning was when prof. Gilbert explains that compassion is about knowing that there are things we cannot control (shit happens) and that there are resources, exercises, we can do to feel better or even good, in spite of the contrast between our reality and the fairy tale embedded in our mind. 

With this short post, I wave goodbye to the fairy tales of my childhood that have caused so much pain. I now understand that I must clearly articulate my needs and that love is reflected onto how much my husband does to make it happen. I feel seen and happy. It IS possible to sail beyond infidelity. 

If you care to share, please let me know how you're doing. I hope you've found peace and love again after infidelity. 

Lots of love,

Helen