Focus on something BIG to let go of the sad past

Memories from the time you discover infidelity are difficult to bury for good. Whether you like it or not they will keep popping up in your mind regardless of how much time has passed since Dday. It is incredible how our bodies are able to make the same chemicals of distress and anxiety over and over when we relive moments that made us feel disappointed.

Anger or despair can be felt as if we were put in a time machine and gone back to the past. Something similar happens when we remember experiences that we had while our partner was betraying us and we weren't certain or even suspicious. All our memories seem to acquire a whole new meaning after we confirm that our spouse was having an affair.

The sad past visits

Today was one of those days for me, exactly seven months after Dday. There were so many intense conversations after I played the recording back to my husband. I had so many questions: "Who is she?", "For how long has this been going on?". The truth unfolded in small doses once the big question of whether he was having an affair or not was answered.

The relief that I was right about my suspicions was the first reaction to the discovery. Almost immediately I needed to know who the person was. There were some facts that I could deduce from the recording, like that she worked with my husband and the type of connection they had. The latter included conversations about what we did as a family, work related stuff and lots of flirting between two lovers.

One of the most unexpected truths for me was to learn about the person who made herself available to become the other woman of this story. The OW was married (!), she knew me (!), she had invited us to her home, where she hosted two dinner parties with her husband (!). Even our families had spent time together abroad while we were on holidays a year earlier. It seems it was by chance that we coincided during those particular dates in a city but they were obviously communicating even when we were on holidays abroad, the Summer before I caught them red handed.

The moment of the revelation of her identity was what came to mind today. Now that I have written down the details, I can see how shocking they really were and that would explain why I almost succumbed to emotional flooding again after so many months. I was thinking of the face my defeated husband had as he was shaving the morning after Dday while he looked at me and said: "I will tell you who she is if you promise you won't tell anyone". Wow! That was a proposal I was not going to reject.

Getting the information first hand without involving other people and at the shortest possible time was my best option. So I accepted his terms and he told me the name with great difficulty and shame. My first reaction was to repeat the name as a question, followed by "but she is married". It took me some time to process this new piece to the puzzle. I never thought someone with a beautiful home, a young and loving family and a promising career could have made herself available to my husband.

Oh, well. Once the first shock was over, the inquisitive questions started: "Where did you see each other?", "How far did you go, sexually?", "Why would she do something like that?". I was more intrigued by her motives than my husband's. After all, it was not a new idea for me that men could cheat on their wives during their mid-life crisis. But a married woman in her thirties cheating on her young husband with a much older man? That was a whole new concept in my book.

Deciding to focus on something BIG

After becoming aware of the thoughts that arrived uninvited today, I accepted them and almost immediately decided that I have to focus on something bigger than the infidelity so I can look forward to happier days. It has to be something that will lead to a better today and can take me to a greater goal than remaining stuck in the memories of my husband's betrayal. It was an aha moment that made me realise how the time to let go of the infidelity that touched my marriage has arrived.

As I told one of my Tweeps recently, there is no retribution or compensation nor revenge that will make you feel peace until you decide that you've had enough. Once the betrayed spouse wants to leave the affair behind as much as the partner who committed the waywardness, you can start to look forward to better and happier times ahead. This applies both to couples who remain together and couples who separate.

Infidelity doesn't have to be a stain that you carry tattooed onto a visible part of your body. It is a scar that might be itchy at times and will need scratching or a soothing cream to create the comfort needed to enjoy the benefits of your reality today and to organise happy moments tomorrow.

I hope that you have found comfort in learning about my post Dday shocks. I am not the only one and I know that other cases are similar or worse. If you have been there, I understand your pain and I thank you for reading about mine. I think my new goal gets clearer as time passes by. For now, I will focus on being the best possible person for those around me. I want to be a loving mother, wife, friend, sister, aunt and neighbour.

Lots of love,

Helen