Dday: memorial or celebration? You have the power to choose

Today is the day after DDay1 for me. 366 days ago I discovered my husband's affair. Ever since my life has changed. I now feel like a different person and I am getting used to the idea that the only certainty in life is uncertainty.

I am equipping myself with the tools that will allow me to live with this knowledge. I have immersed myself in listening to and reading philosophers and therapists talking about love and relationships. I am a bit over the topic of infidelity per se, after devouring many books, videos and podcasts on the subject. Don't get me wrong, they all helped me immensely to sail through my husband's infidelity, and now that I am in a better place, I want to focus on growing even more and living the rest of my life in a better way.

I say that I am in a better place because I now know what it is to feel pain in your heart, to have your heart broken into a million pieces and yet still be able to see your child in his/her innocent world, just being happy. Nothing can undo the fact that my husband chose to have an affair but I can decide to leave it in the past where it belongs and learn to live with my reality in the here and now.

Why is it so difficult to leave the affair in the past?

Apart from the neurological fact that our subconscious mind is bombarding us with negative thoughts when we are not purposely using our rational frontal lobe, we have been sold the concept of "the one" from the romantic definition of love. Oversimplifying, we no longer marry for economic purposes but rather for spiritual purposes. This is a view that I share from Esther Perel and Alain de Botton, who both philosophise over love and relationships. 

When we discover that "the one" we chose has betrayed us, after he or she was supposed to adore us "until death do us part", we feel that our world collapses. That's why, for me, it has been so important to understand how we love and what love really is. 

Alain de Botton states how the Romantics presented love associated with long walks in nature, dusk, rather free timetables and so much more that we still find in the images that come up from an online search of "love". He explains how this notion of love is the one that prevails in our Western societies today. For me, this is a huge realisation because it explains a lot about our disappointment. 

Words of wisdom

My nine-year-old daughter said to me, as we were driving somewhere in the days after Dday, that I shouldn't be sad because "daddy is no more with that girlfriend". I responded that I wished she never has to feel the pain caused by such betrayal, to what she replied: "mum, my husband is going to do the same to me". Like "no big deal, mum". 

At first, I thought about how we cannot just accept that the spouse can stray and get away with it. This is a thought my daughter had from the genes of her female ascendants, I told myself. This is how my grandmother probably thought. "All men cheat, let them do so, as long as they provide for the family, it's ok", or something in those terms. 

Now I have also read how unequipped men are to be able to provide all the nourishment we need as women. Another excellent source of wisdom for me has been Clarissa Estes' book "Women who run with the wolves". There she explains how there are different types of mothers and how we have our real mother and an internal one. As adults, we can use our internal mother to nourish our inner child. This is something I have worked on based on "Mirror Work", a book by Louise Hay. 

Going forward

I have decided to leave the affair in the past and it has happened in small steps that have been accompanied by a growing sense of freedom. After I published my first book on infidelity, I no longer felt the need to harm the OW/AP (Other Woman/Affair Partner). I never engaged in any exchange with her once my story was out in a book format.

On my DDay1 I decided to start by looking at some of the things I could be grateful for and I became aware that I could have a healthy breakfast in a comfortable kitchen. I was grateful for waking up in the home that I built with my husband, where our children have grown up.

I decided to celebrate rather than mourn, so I found reasons to celebrate. On Dday, I became the powerful owner of the truth. Once I discovered the affair, I couldn't be gaslit anymore. I recovered my sanity and my long lost husband awakened and felt remorseful. Immediately he told me he chose our marriage and ended the affair. He hasn't stopped pursuing me ever since.

DDay was the day I put a mirror in front of my husband and he realised how much he had been risking. Recovery started and we are since healing and growing. In spite of the excruciating pain, this past year has been better than the previous four years were. My children got their father back, I nourished my inner child and acknowledged my own wounds from the past. I could see my story unfolding in front of me and my own husband's inner child struggling.

I have already started writing the second book of the series: Sailing BEYOND Infidelity. I will include what I have learned about loving from Alain de Botton, Esther Perel, and also about recovering from disasters by Laurie Nadel, recovering from grief and trauma via AffairRecovery.com and the betrayed spouses who are an inspiration to all of us who are sailing closer to the beginning of the timeline. They are in my Twitter account @SailingInfidel1.

Let's connect. Leave me a comment.

Lots of love and cheers to healing,

Helen