Making sense of LOVE after betrayal
If you are reading this blog, you are probably looking for answers to life after infidelity. It is a road travelled by many who always hoped they would be spared from such a painful experience.
Sure, there are other traumatic experiences, but infidelity causes trauma like war and grief like the death of a loved one. In this recovery from trauma and grief, we look for tools so that we don't get stuck in a rut of misery for too long. Many of us, betrayed spouses, commit to working on ourselves at the therapeutical level, physical level and spiritual level. We are forced to grow as we sail through infidelity.
I have definitely morphed into a stronger version of myself, just in time to face new challenges that arise as a consequence of my ex-unfaithful husband's poor choices. I am dealing with an out-of-court hearing that started a few days ago and it hasn't been resolved yet. It would have been impossible for me to face such challenge before I felt that my recovery had reached a new level. It is a dispute on fees I must pay a lawyer who clearly took advantage of me on the day following DDay.
As I feel that I am a new "kick-ass" version of my old self, I am becoming acquainted with the position of power that implies being willing to stand up for myself and say no to other's abusive behaviour. Since this is a rather new feeling, it applies to my husband too. I start to question his motives for wanting to work on the marriage: is he doing it for pride, for appearances or for LOVE?
Most of us, betrayed spouses, would want to believe that they are doing it for love. Now I am convinced that they are unable to know what love is right after the affair comes out into the light. Even if my H tells me that he loves me, it doesn't sound convincing to me. Once you lost trust in his words, it is impossible to believe as you once did.
So, paraphrasing Esther Perel, the renowned couple therapist who offers a new perspective on infidelity, this experience is so hurtful because marriage is not an economic transaction any more but rather something we do for LOVE. Once we find "the one", she says, he/she is supposed to offer security and adventure, passion and motivation, unconditional support and more of what an entire village used to provide. Plus, let's not forget the spiritual part too. We have replaced searching for happiness in the divine for expecting it all from our spouse or partner in life.
All of this got me thinking: will it ever be enough? Will my husband's efforts ever be enough for me to be able to forgive him? He will always be the one who cheated, no matter how remorseful or how much work he puts into recovery. The affair cannot be erased. It is up to me to let go and not let it be part of my reality. I know all that and I have written about it in other blog posts. I have read books about how to trust him again, like the one I wrote a review on, in Andrew G Marshall's website.
I have been using the technique of the STOP sign so the memories of the affair don't take over my thoughts. It works many times, all the tools and techniques have helped me to live a happier life. I have been able to enjoy that my husband is present again and fully committed to me and our family, after years of being mentally elsewhere. Still, some days, the triggers and the challenges overwhelm me and my pain starts talking again. I cannot help but start asking about the AP, since they are still working together. I cannot help but paraphrasing what I heard on that recording that proved the affair without a doubt. I hurt him, he deflates. I let the pain take over and I weep.
Today I went to have a chat with a wise friend by the sea. Feeling the breeze on my face, I told her about my doubts, my pride and how shattered I felt. I also told my husband last night that he had destroyed my life and that I am stuck with him. And I feel like that some times.
It got me thinking: maybe life was simpler when we didn't expect so much from marriage? Maybe we should look into ancient wisdom and take so many expectations out of this "one" person we married?
What do you think?
Sure, there are other traumatic experiences, but infidelity causes trauma like war and grief like the death of a loved one. In this recovery from trauma and grief, we look for tools so that we don't get stuck in a rut of misery for too long. Many of us, betrayed spouses, commit to working on ourselves at the therapeutical level, physical level and spiritual level. We are forced to grow as we sail through infidelity.
I have definitely morphed into a stronger version of myself, just in time to face new challenges that arise as a consequence of my ex-unfaithful husband's poor choices. I am dealing with an out-of-court hearing that started a few days ago and it hasn't been resolved yet. It would have been impossible for me to face such challenge before I felt that my recovery had reached a new level. It is a dispute on fees I must pay a lawyer who clearly took advantage of me on the day following DDay.
As I feel that I am a new "kick-ass" version of my old self, I am becoming acquainted with the position of power that implies being willing to stand up for myself and say no to other's abusive behaviour. Since this is a rather new feeling, it applies to my husband too. I start to question his motives for wanting to work on the marriage: is he doing it for pride, for appearances or for LOVE?
Most of us, betrayed spouses, would want to believe that they are doing it for love. Now I am convinced that they are unable to know what love is right after the affair comes out into the light. Even if my H tells me that he loves me, it doesn't sound convincing to me. Once you lost trust in his words, it is impossible to believe as you once did.
So, paraphrasing Esther Perel, the renowned couple therapist who offers a new perspective on infidelity, this experience is so hurtful because marriage is not an economic transaction any more but rather something we do for LOVE. Once we find "the one", she says, he/she is supposed to offer security and adventure, passion and motivation, unconditional support and more of what an entire village used to provide. Plus, let's not forget the spiritual part too. We have replaced searching for happiness in the divine for expecting it all from our spouse or partner in life.
All of this got me thinking: will it ever be enough? Will my husband's efforts ever be enough for me to be able to forgive him? He will always be the one who cheated, no matter how remorseful or how much work he puts into recovery. The affair cannot be erased. It is up to me to let go and not let it be part of my reality. I know all that and I have written about it in other blog posts. I have read books about how to trust him again, like the one I wrote a review on, in Andrew G Marshall's website.
I have been using the technique of the STOP sign so the memories of the affair don't take over my thoughts. It works many times, all the tools and techniques have helped me to live a happier life. I have been able to enjoy that my husband is present again and fully committed to me and our family, after years of being mentally elsewhere. Still, some days, the triggers and the challenges overwhelm me and my pain starts talking again. I cannot help but start asking about the AP, since they are still working together. I cannot help but paraphrasing what I heard on that recording that proved the affair without a doubt. I hurt him, he deflates. I let the pain take over and I weep.
Today I went to have a chat with a wise friend by the sea. Feeling the breeze on my face, I told her about my doubts, my pride and how shattered I felt. I also told my husband last night that he had destroyed my life and that I am stuck with him. And I feel like that some times.
It got me thinking: maybe life was simpler when we didn't expect so much from marriage? Maybe we should look into ancient wisdom and take so many expectations out of this "one" person we married?
What do you think?
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